Last month came the “birthday” of the day I was drugged against my will and was raped by a man on a first date in Amsterdam.
Then I only handled everything.As a single mother and expat, without family or close friends at that time, it has been difficult.
I couldn’t afford to let me go as a victim.I had no time and no energy for that: At last I started to get used to my new life after my divorce, and I heard that I was going to lose my job because I had no possibility of getting a fixed contract…. And then this.
If you hope to meet the love and eventually get drugged and raped, the shock is quite extreme, no matter how strong you can be.
So that was it.
And the time went by.And the flashbacks came when the birthday date approached. I would dress up, and realized that I was attracting the same clothes as that night: I threw them away.
I went out in Amsterdam, and flipped over my drinks, obsessively watching that I watched it.
I felt extremely sad when my daughters went to their father for a week.
I just kept seeing flashbacks from what was happening.
Because my immediate environment, as it evolved with the season, began to feel the same as that night: the temperature, the tree that started to grow for my house, the quality of the light, the clothes I took out of the closet…. Everything, began to build up slowly to reach the same environment as that night.
I told my friends about it.I talked about it on my Facebook, openly, as I always do. I talked to my boyfriend about it. And it helped me.
The structure was so intense that I was really afraid that that date was approaching.
And on the birthday night I was afraid to go out. I stayed at home. And my friends wrote to me. And my friend Sweet called me for hours, and we talked. And I was not alone. I was safe in my house, but not alone. And finally it became clear to me that the trauma had nothing to do with the date.
It sits deep inside and it will take years before I’m repaired again.I also think that I can’t do this now alone and I’m considering finding a therapist who can help me. Although I’m mostly okay, these flashbacks are a complete bitch, and there are a few unprocessed emotions that I have to elaborate on.
I have no better explanation for you, then what I feel is my statement: the ambient conditions around you evoke some kind of physical memory. I have no scientific source for it.This is what I feel is coming to me.
Maybe the next year will be less painful and less scary.I hope so.
I wish you much love and support from your loved ones so that you can work through them.
Not so much the birthday itself but something that can trigger the memories of a traumatic event.That does not necessarily have to be a date itself. There have been very nasty things happened to me on my own birthday but it just keeps my birthday, especially the day I have to treat my colleagues (not forgetting!) and I am called extensively by my family.
I can see or hear something that will make me very sad.When Nouri suddenly succued to the field, I had to think of the death of my father, given the clinical picture and because no one saw it coming and I was there for weeks.
I can be very hard against tightness/too little air, because it lets me think of my own complications to the lungs during pregnancy and the day when I had to be breathed.I am the annoying colleague who always opens the window. 🙂
In short, I’m not a date-man, but I understand the mechanism though.
Of all the events there is only 1 which I remember the date of, but on that day I do not suffer more than otherwise.The day is August 15th 1989. Because of the assassination attempt the person was interned and declared healthy and released 90 days later. That they found an AK47 with him and that he stated that he would all want to be converted was apparently normal. Neither the police nor we had been informed of his release, it was me who came across him. Victim support did not exist yet. Even today I don’t get access to my file.
It can be stimulated by something here on Quora, which makes me suddenly get incredibly cold and after 2u just have to crawl into bed to get it back warm and soothe my mind.
It can be triggered by someone who, when I’m walking and stop also stops and goes back when I also leave.I just cross the street.