Because of what’s inside you.It is very easy to look outside and blaming others. He has manipulated you all the way in his web and now you have no choice. You have a choice. You can stay or go away. No matter what IE says what IE does. You always have a choice. But once you look into yourself and ask yourself why you cannot stay with your choice you will encounter a totally different truth. And if you go deep enough you will find the reasons.
Your adhesion style determines a whole lot.If you do not have children are not financially dependent on the other than what can be the reason that you cannot get out of the pit anyway. Then it comes down to one thing you don’t have a healthy adhesion style rather a fearful adhesion style. People with a fearful adhesion style often cannot choose for themselves they cannot determine their boundaries they are gradually stretched by the toxic person. Is a slow and insidious process which most of us did not even see in the beginning. People with a healthy adhesion style can still choose for themselves and prioritize their needs. People with a fearful adhesion style disappear and live for the other. Giving priority to the needs of the other tolerate unfortunately accept far too much. In fact, if you have had similar partners in your life, you have a great chance that you have the opportunity to know that this is love. Stay when it doesn’t stay well at your own expense. You have learned that love hurts and as long as you are not thrown away if a used piece of clothing will not change your situation. For people who are potentially prey to a narcissist cannot stand up for themselves and put an end to the often brutal emotional sadism.
If you are unsure whether or not your partner is good for you and it is difficult to determine because your partner is still a treasure once in a while then look inside again and ask yourself how this man makes you feel.How do you feel in his or her absence and presence. If your answer is bad don’t matter if you can be charming then you know that the charm comes with a price.
If It cost your sanity it is too expensive!
From a relationship steps is always difficult.Stopping a relationship in which you are abused should be easier, because you know very well that that relationship will harm you. Yet it is so much harder, for many even almost impossible. How is that?
Victims of narcissistic abuse, come in therapy all with their own version of this question:
I used to be completely different: I had a good job, I had many friends, and mostly I was happy.
Now I’m a wreck. I can no longer concentrate, I have constant stress and anxiety. I don’t recognise myself anymore. I know I’m in a destructive relationship (with a narcissist who abused me) but somehow, I don’t succeed in leaving the narcissist once and for all. I have tried it so many times, but I do not succeed. Can you help me?
This is a very common question: “I am very good that this person is not good for me, that he/she abused me, that I am only a supplier of narcissistic fuel.I must be out here. But I do not succeed. “
If you recognize those questions, and you have also sat in the situation where you (sometimes literally) are on your knees for some crumbs of attention or affection of the narcissist, but at the same time know that you should actually go away without looking around, know that you are not a are.
And that there is an answer to that question: it is so difficult because of the combination of “Trauma Bonding”, “partial ratification” and “Stockholm syndrome”.
We humans, are strongly inclined to connect us with people around us.This ability to connect us is the glue that keeps families and relationships together. If we feel uncertain or in danger, it is also our natural response to seek help from the people with whom we have that connection. But what happens if the person we are connected to is someone who abuses us? Then our tendency to feel connected to us is working.
In normal circumstances, we could move away from a person who abused us and seek help or safety elsewhere.Unfortunately, the circumstances with a narcissist are anything but “normal”.
With Narcissistic Trauma Bonding, you are first overloaded with intense love, recognition and affirmation.It seems like a dream comes true. Then, gradually, changes the ratio between positive and negative events. Often so subtle, that you can’t say when it happened. Until you find yourself at a moment in quarrels with someone you love a lot and who says that everything that happens is your fault.
If you do not go away immediately and never look around, you allow yourself to become the psychological prisoner of the narcissist.You will feel connected to someone who is trying to destroy you. It’s like you choose to be heroin addicted, knowing that it will lead to your demise. You are now addicted to this person and his recognition, you just want his/her love and no one else. You should stop, but it does not succeed. It really does not succeed. Whatever you try.
The 7 Steps of Trauma Bonding
Step 1. Love Bombing
The narcissist gives you a lot of recognition, lots of love and a lot of confirmation.Exaggerated In many cases. You are bombarded and overwhelmed by loving words and attentions. By mirroring (The narcissist has all your interests, which makes it seem soulmate) you get the feeling that you have never been so in love.
Step 2. Trust and dependence
You begin to believe that you have found the true.That this person will love you forever. You are now dependent on his/her love and recognition.
Step 3. Criticism begins
The narcissist is going to gradually replace love and recognition with criticism.The narcissist begins to blame you for a number of things. He/she begins to ask requirements.
Step 4. Gaslighting
The narcissist gives you the blame for everything.If you would trust them and would do exactly what they were asking, you could go back to step 1. They want you to start doubting your own perception of reality and accepting their reality, by means of gaslighting.
Step 5. The control
You don’t know what to believe, but you feel you should try to do everything in his/her way to get back to step 1.
Step 6. Resignation and loss of individuality
It gets worse.Not better. When you try to fight back, when you try to get up for yourself, it increases abuse. For the sweet peace and to stop the persistent quarrels, you are based. You are unhappy, confused and your self-confidence has fallen to a minimum.
Step 7. Addiction
Your friends and family are starting to worry about you.You know that you have ended up in a terrible situation, but you feel that you cannot leave because that person is now everything for you. You’re looking for ways to get back recognition and love from that person.It’s the only thing you’re still doing.
However hard you try, it is impossible to move up here.The only way is down.
But how can it be that this is a healthy, normally functioning someone like me can happen to?
The answer to that question lies in understanding the underlying dynamics of how people react to a combination of dependence and abuse, coupled with “partial ratification”.
This classic experiment explains it: There is a rat in a kootje and in that Cage is a lever.When the rat pulls at the lever, it is rewarded with a little food (that is operant conditioning, because the ratification follows an act of the rat). In a first situation, the rat will get an every time when it comes to the lever. In This first situation the Ratje learns this behavior very quickly. If there is no more food, the rat will also quickly learn this behavior.
In a second situation, the rat gets to eat occasionally (and at random) times when touching the lever.This is called partial reward/ratification. In this situation, the behaviour of the rat will be taught much less quickly, but once there is no more reward, the Ratje will continue to try for a long time, i.e. this learned behavior is very slow to learn.
In narcissists, this is also done: in a relationship with a narcissist, you will be rewarded very occasionally and randomly (with some love).That’s why it’s so addictive. You continue to pull that lever, because you know, ooit芒 鈧?娄 You may still get that crumb love where you are so to hunkert芒 鈧?娄
During a bank robbery with hostage in Stockholm in 1973, it was found that the four Hostage bank servants (1 man and 3 women) had received empathy and sympathy for the hostage-holders.The reason for this was that the Raiders occasionally did friendly things for their prisoners. These small friendly gestures were important for the bank employees, that they even forgot that they were in a life-threatening situation. Even more: After the hostage, two of them went on to defend their hostage-holders. One of the female hostages later began a romantic relationship with a hostage and another woman raised money for the defense of another hostage.
Narcissists are just like this: by the (few) kind deeds during the abuse, the empathic feelings of the victims are addressed to that extent, that they are sympathetic to the narcissist/hostage.
These are the reasons why it is so difficult to leave the narcissist in your life.On average, it takes 7 times, for a victim to permanently leave the relationship.
I can only answer how it was personally for me.When I met my narcissist, it was love at first glance. I felt like I had come across my soulmate. Only later did I realize that the world in which I was landed, his world, had little to do with reality. But it was exciting. Else. He seemed to be just as special as all the others. I felt so loved, beautiful and sought after.
Years later in therapy I discovered the true story.My parents who emotionally never gave me what I needed. The lack of an own identity thereby. I was thereby like Kneedgum in his hands. He gave me that identity, the feeling to be necessary, to be worth it. But he also took it away in a horrible way. Those days were terrible. The quarrels, humiliations and silence treatments. Until he turned around again and became nice again. And so the destructive pattern went on. Year after year.
So it’s several things that make it so difficult.One of them is the addiction to the narcissist. You become accustomed to fixing the abuse on them continuously. That changes your brain. And another reason it has to make yourself. What have you been deficient in earlier? What about your own life and identity? What did or do you think of the narcissist?
I personally believe that we are actually the victim of a narcissist.How to sound like that too. But I also believe that there is an unconscious reason that we allow a narcissist in our lives. A relationship with a narcissist is life-altering. You don’t just get out of it like with a normal relationship that ends or goes wrong. The emotional abuse is also not nothing. It sometimes takes people years to process the trauma. The betrayal, the lies. Nothing is what it seemed to be.
Traumatic band.(Trauma bonding)
Why is quit smoking so difficult?
Why is stopping drinking so difficult?
Why is stopping drug use so difficult?
Why is stopping eating unhealthy foods so difficult?
Because it is always an addiction.
How weird it also sounds, a person can effectively become addicted to another person.
Because narcissists are exceptionally gifted manipulators (M/f), they know very well how they can make the other 芒 鈧?艙special 芒 鈧? without having to use their hearts, but they do not.That lack of heart is what makes 芒 鈧?艙victims ultimately increasingly unhappier.
Dear Hanna, you are certainly g脙 漏 脙 漏 n narcissist!
I hear from more people that they are afraid they are secretly narcissist. As far as I am concerned, you are too sensitive and too gentle. Furthermore, your passion for truth is far too strong! You are rather a typical empaath! As Empaath, your ego is more inclined to be 芒 鈧?艙meeloper芒 鈧?(Stockholm syndrome): Because you find it difficult to recognize narcissism and are willing to feel the most with daffists and forgive them. So….. You’ll have to be a 芒 鈧?艙lighted empaath芒 鈧? (芒 鈧?艙educated empaath芒 鈧?
All Ego芒 鈧劉 s of everyone have normal narcissistic treks.But there is really a very big difference between: (1) Normal narcissistic patterns of Ego芒 鈧劉 s and (2) narcissistic personality disorders or narcissistic ego (NPS).
Dear Treasure, stop being suspicious of yourself.Where you see that you are dishonest yourself, be honest and accept that. And you do! But why should you remain blind unfairness and non-integrity of others 芒 鈧?艙protecmen芒 鈧? Only truth, love, honest contact, our relationships, that which is fragile, needs real protection, right? Essential protection is totally behind truth, love and essence.
What I have understood from you earlier was the reverse case with your home.The unfairness of your father and mother, about your fathers double life, had to be 芒 鈧?艙protecmd芒 鈧?and the fragile little Hanna stood in the cold, right? Perhaps this (in combination with your child care?) has created confusion with you about being allowed to SEE non-integrity and to engage people in their integrity?
Trust your heart, the essential heart of being: The radiant clarity of immediate seeing.
Because you are going to doubt your own observations, your knowledge, your experiences, your feelings and your own value.
Investigate the term ‘ gaslighting ‘ and you understand with which mechanism it was achieved, and what its purpose was or motivation.
Someone who wants to be King (in) needs nationals.Those nationals must know that they are nationals, so ANY form of own opinion is out of the question, PRECISELY the ones you are right. Any good idea is wrong, because the King (in) may not have that nationals think outside of him/her to be able to go, because without nationals no kingdom. Then the King (in) will feel So low, even lower than a national, and because they are deeply unaware that they are empty, nothing and dark, even less than a pavement tile, that is a feeling similar to dying. Don’t matter IS ‘ death ‘ for a narcissist. That’s also why negative attention they just as well like positive. Even better, because they must of course be afraid of fear, otherwise trials of nationals will be their power to walk away.
This king (in) edits all other people just as exemplary, so no one believes your story about how they are behind the front door to you.Finding understanding and support for those people actually leads to ANOTHER rejection and your feelings are not validated. You exaggerates, etc. That is a repetition of the spiritual abuse you have already gone through, double. The only ones you can understand and support and validate your feelings are people with the same experiences or a psychologist specializing in narcissistic personality disorder and other cluster-B disorders.
Then there is the notion of ‘ trauma-bond ‘, which is best compared to the well-known ‘ Stockholm syndrome ‘.
And on top of that, it is usually that the victims of narcissists automatically end up there, to be chosen, for their ability not to judge after 2 contradictions and signals that they are unhealthy and do not act and think out of love and respect.We stay with them, with our eternal benefit of the doubt. We give them because we have been treated narcissistically in our childhood, and still have a deep gaping hole that want to be validated, believing that we are not worth more than that, and we try to heal the old wound on the new narcissist , working to make it possible for us to ‘ finally ‘ feel that we are indeed worth something. We know it, that’s why we’re fighting for it, but we’re unknowingly looking for a validation that we’ve never gotten at home, the validation that our feelings are correct. This makes us not run away in addition to any other causes.
Our head has also received thousands of unanswered questions, and we want it cleared up before we can judge or condemn it.This is because our head functioned differently, and the narcissist also sows that confusion EXPRESS, because they have learned that it dismantles and weakens the ‘ opponent ‘.
For both the current Narcistin life, as well as that of the past, the same applies, we MUST now admit to ourselves, retroactively, what our heart knows.That they have dealt evil, selfcentrish, loveless with us!! Yes, your vade/mother. Yes. and accepting that is the hardest thing there is
This might be the trouble to hear: “It started with a leugentje but it became more and more”