Mainly because they weren’t behind me (and in retrospect I think it was much more than that!) In addition there sometimes happened things that were ridiculous around.If I approached them it was ‘ imagine not ‘-if they invented something I could not get that out of their head in any way.
To give you an example.
We once ate sauerkraut.I think I was 15. With the sauerkraut my mother had sliced cream butter. When we finished eating there were 3 small pieces left. It was my job to clean up and wash off and empty the trash bin from the kitchen in our outside tray.
They then went upstairs, dress up or something.
I didn’t know what to do with those 3 pieces yet.It was too little to do with it and I heard in my head again ‘ you’re not retarded anyway, you know what to do with that! ‘ so after a while I decided to throw the 3 pieces away. Last but not least, I threw them on the trash in the small garbage bin. Then I closed the pouch and I did it in the outside tray.
Then I started to put the coffee, the dish of the butter I had to put in the dishwasher.My mother came down. ‘ Where is the butter?! You have eaten them! ‘ That I did not arrive. I did not know how to react to this ridiculous accusation. “I discarded them.”
‘ Yes yes, that will be.You just eaten it. ‘
I really wouldn’t know why I would eat butter so.
‘ If you do not believe it, you can look outside, the pouch with the pieces of butter is on top. ‘ But she refused. For me that was unimaginable.
The evidence was literally (with a wall in between then) 4 meters away from us.This fact made me ziedend. It just did not matter what I said. The verdict was felled and proof, there she was not heroic enough for it, of course she had to admit ‘ I was wrong ‘.
I don’t remember what I said.But it was not good (shocker!) because the next moment she jumped up on me and started scratching and hitting. Unfortunately for her I stood closest to the kitchen La. This I pulled open and grabbed a knife. I didn’t know how I felt, I was just attacked (to get 3 pieces of butter!!!) and I didn’t want to hit back because you didn’t save your parents, but I wanted to defend myself. Only later did I notice that I had peed in my pants. I had stopped it all the time because it was also seen as lingering, going to the toilet if you had to do your job (it’s not like someone else had to do it, but they wanted it to be ready to 19.30 when they came down again). Eventually my other (biological) mother came down and I fled upstairs.
Afterwards she came upstairs ‘ or I wanted to offer my apologies ‘.
“How do I apologize if I don’t think so?” I asked her.
Of course I knew for a long time how late it was.The witch had been talking to her and just done as if I did weird. Order of the day to say so.
So I decided not to tire of it.I ended up saying sorry to give my mother a good feeling and just to be away from it.
In hindsight, I naturally know that this is absolutely wrong.This was not the only one. I often got punishment for the most arest things. I was 6 km away at school and always went on a bike. On departure I realised that I had a puncture. I called my (biological) mother, because I had to be at 16.00 at home. Of course I never went to save it if I had to walk 10 km-because I already knew, it really doesn’t get me. She went completely out of her roof and if I was later than 16.00 I would get house arrest. Of course, I didn’t feel like a butt, because I never could do anything at all and in addition eh yes whatever-it didn’t matter what I did. It was never good anyway. This is a pattern which I remember first of the toddler school.
My mom found the toilets there nasty and if your mom says you take that seriously!So what I did, all the day my pee stop, until I finally stuck in my pants. “She’s stuck in her pants again,” said the toddler teacher. At home or rather on the road in the car then started the rant and a mow to the back seat in my face. I am glad that I do not remember what has been said, but I have the idea that I have behaved with me unconsciously for years. The leitmotif in my education was ‘ never good enough ‘.
So I did not trust my parents very early in my life.They were unpredictable, false and common. In My adolescence I really went to wear a mask and I tried to get as much control as possible about my facial expressions. Because a laugh at the wrong time, or a blink with your eyes, made the difference between life or death.
The most unimaginable I find afterwards that when I was on my 13th began to mutilearn myself that they even then did not have anything like ‘ okay here something has to happen ‘.I got mad from the mental pain that I felt. Every day I hoped that they would no longer wake up, be bullied and filled and not against them, it was terrible. When my mother found out I got on my head ‘ I never want to see that again! ‘ So from that moment on I wore long sleeves. My suicide attempt 3 years later, the same was responded to ‘ Why do you do this to us? ‘
Why these people chose to take a child.That is a mystery which I have not yet resolved to this day.
You will certainly be wise of damage and shame.In retrospect I am happy that I am still alive and proud of myself that I have managed to dispose of their mess and that at such a (relatively) early age.
In retrospect I know that my parents had it very hard, but come on-that doesn’t make it acceptable to whip your daughter, wait (to whip off) and treat it like a trapped and if you own.I never entered into this conversation with them. There is no profit to be achieved. I went further and left those two people behind along with the version of me that wasn’t at all me. I now notice that they behave differently and that exactly when it goes well with me, they try to compensate (sorry we know we didn’t always support you before). For that reason I know that they donders know well that what they were doing was wrong.
I still see them because they just normally deal with my son (now they also have a number of psychologists;))-some moments are difficult, because I think sometimes, you really don’t deserve my attention at all and for that reason they also get a lot of mind There are people who are really important to me.My parents are my parents. They have already broken the band by force.