Narcissistic abuse has the potential to traumatize us because the person through whom we experience it is in many cases someone with whom we feel deeply connected.
Connectedness is a fundamental psychological and emotional way in which we build a relationship with other people.It can be compared to an invisible “umbilical cord” that allows the relationship to grow and develop. In a state of connectedness, every act of the connected person, positive as well as negative, has profound effects on ourselves. If we learn from the other, the effect of these positive actions is magnified by our attachment to this person. Their effect is much stronger than it would be, for example, with someone to whom we feel less attached. The love and affection we experience from a connected person can become an almost inexhaustible source of power and energy for our lives. The longer we feel connected to someone, the stronger this connection becomes and the more individual “connection fibers” can connect to a strong strand.
If this relationship is now threatened in any way, the connection is also in danger.This can cause us strong feelings of fear and fear of loss. It can feel like literally “the carpet is pulled away under your feet.” Finally, the threat to a person who is particularly close to us concerns the foundation on which our perception of our lives and of ourselves rests. In extreme cases, the experience can lead to panic attacks.
A core problem of a narcissistic relationship is that the other person to whom we feel connected does not even feel nearly as close to us as we do with him (although it may seem to us).A narcissistic relationship partner deceives us into a false, artificially constructed ego. We always see only this “mask” from him. This leads us to believethat we are connected to the true identity of another person; in reality, however, we are only related to an artificial construct, to a shaky “scenery” behind which, in most cases, someone who is traumatised himself and who would do anything to avoid being open and vulnerable. show.
In a “normal” relationship in which both parties feel genuine connection and regularly allow themselves to be vulnerable to each other, both people will try to cooperate on an equal footing with each other and maintain a connection.Both know what it feels like to be threatened with this bond. In this respect, both are also keen to maintain this bond.
A narcissist, on the other hand, is not interested in maintaining authentic bond.His only interest is to protect his fragile ego construct. The authentic bond you have towards him is just a toolfor him to control you.He deliberately instills fear in you by questioning the relationship in order to conditioned you in this way and to train you behaviors that benefit him. He makes sure that you know exactly: either you cooperate with him and give in, or he will make you feel negative consequences. The perfidious thing is that no matter how “docile” you behave, the narcissist always lets the threat of a relationship end circulate over you. It helps to remember that most narcissists themselves are traumatized. No matter how much a narcissist “feeds” his false ego, his true fears and fears will occasionally come to the surface. After all, life is complicated and unpredictable. Even in the life of the narcissist, things will happen that he experiences as painful and negative. However, in this case, you will have to bear the consequences, as he does not want to experience the pain that he himself does not want to experience by living it out on you.
To maintain its “dominance,” a narcissist will use different methods against you.These include tantrums, demonstrative ignorance or threats to end the relationship. Due to your connection, it can directly stimulate the fear center in the “reptile part” of your brain, which in turn triggers your anxiety reflex. This is the dynamic that can cause trauma.As narcissistic abuse takes place over months and years, trauma is gradually building up in you until you are almost permanently in an evolutionary conditioned “fight or flight” mode of constant fear that nature intended only for short emergency situations.