When did you last cried?

That is now a year or 4 – 5 ago.My wife and I were on a family visit in Holland. We had a cup of coffee with my brother and my two sisters in a nice café. The conversation went, as often the case wanted when we were so together, about past and home.

This time we also had all sorts of stories.One of them suddenly showed me very sharply how big bully I was in my childhood and how my brother dealt with it.

I yanked there at the table for sure five minutes, head in hands and tears rolling.The others just wait until I was done. Was a liberation.

Since then perhaps more but certainly not so fierce.

I have not cried for a long time.Actually, I had trouble with any kind of emotions permitting and showing. Only then did I not know. I just tried to lead my life as I thought it was the best fit for me. Everyone makes fun and nasty things come along in his life. People are involved in different ways. One of the things that determine this is how you look at yourself and your place in the world. For example, I had the idea that I should always be wary, that I could not show how actions and words of other people worked on me. That I’d better not let you notice how I felt as I was offended, challenged, ignored and that made it stupid enough too hard to show how I felt like I was comforted, praised, loved.

Not that that negatgieve things happened now so often, but my defensive mechanisms weren’t so good.I got angry, I got red, I looked evil and I paused. Until I could no longer endure it and then I burst into fierce anger. Loss and fear and mourning and uncertainty, all emotions that I wanted to hide in order not to be overtaken by those sudden eruptions.

Maybe that’s why I hated someone for a long time because I didn’t know a better way to deal with my anger and twitness.And hate is an emotion that especially the one who hates evil: either you find no way out for your hatred and you harden from within, or you are going to do something that is sent by hatred, and that is for the person you hate to focus on just life-threatening as a link for you themselves, because the things you want to do to the other in your hatred lead to research, arrest and condemnation.

Crying is expressing your feelings, allowing your sadness to stand out, becoming visible to yourself and to others if you are not alone.So I didn’t dare, so I didn’t cry.

Until I was older and got better insight into who I am.But then finding a new balance is not that easy. If you face sadness and loneliness, for the first time allowing it to feel and trying to find a shape for it, then that is actually overwhelming. In my case, a matter of trying to open the tap of emotions just as quickly and then soon again (almost) close, because everything runs under, I had it no longer under contrôle. So it felt at least. It really takes a while for me to get through how far I can open that crane so that it flows but does not overflowing. I am still working on that. With the result that I sometimes cry for unprocessed sadness from the past that is triggered by a video on YouTube or an expression of love or loneliness, or a sentimental song whose text finally penetrates to me.

And then now finally the answer: Yesterday, just when I listened to Chris Rea with Tell me there’s a heaven.

https://youtube/watch?v=BYCdnwgBlgc

Tell Me There’s a Heaven

Chris Rea

The little girl she said to me
What are these things that I can see
Each night when I come home from school
And Mama calls me in for tea

Oh every night a babydies
And every night a mama cries
What makes those men do what they do
To make that person black and blue

GRANDPA says their happy now
They sit with God in paradise
With Angels ‘ wings and still somehow
It makes me feel like ice

Tell me there’s a heaven
Tell me that it’s true
Tell me there’s a reason
Why I’m seeing what I do

Tell me there’s a heaven
Where all those people go
Tell me they’re all happy now
Papa tell me that it’s so

So do I tell her that it’s true
That There’s a place for me and you
Where hungry children smile and say
We wouldn’t have no other way

That every painful crack of bones
Is a step along the way
Every wrong done is a game plan
To that great and joyful day

And I’m looking at the father and the son
And I’m looking at the mother and the daughter
And I’m watching them in tears of pain
And I’m watching them suffer

Don’t tell that little girl
Tell Me
Tell me there’s a heaven
Tell me that it’s true
Tell me there’s a reason
Why I’m seeing what I do

Tell me there’s a heaven
Where all those people go
Tell me they’re all happy now
Papa tell me that it’s so

Songwriters: Christopher Anton Rea

Lyrics for Tell Me There’s a Heaven © Warner/Chappell Music, INC

Just….

Pooh… Half a month ago I think

2 weeks ago.I had it all, and it was as if everything went the bad side. After it had cried the pieces went better.

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