I was naked.
Get the cat of my date.Which I held by my chest.
When the door slowly opened, I was sure she would love it.
The only problem was that she didn’t get through the door.
It was her mother.
I saw a girl named Stacey*.
But he was wrong.
She was curvy and beautiful and sexy like an Amazon princess in all the most incredible ways.
And I didn’t like the way her father treated her.
But the best revenge is to f***king someone’s daughter.
You know what, let’s just say we had a good time.
After meeting and lying in bed on the 1st date, Date No. 2 was quickly planned.
Stacey lived with her mother in a wonderfully affluent apartment in northern Sydney, with my apartment looking like a mere piece of s**t by comparison.
One afternoon, after work, I went to her after she told me that her mother was away all evening.
Since she lived with her mother, I made sure that we really have the place for us.
She assured me that her mother would be away all night.
She had been invited to a kind of fancy dinner party, the kind that adults love, and was alone on the long haul.
Stacey’s own admission that she would be busy all night was more than enough for me
And so I was sitting on the couch of Stacey’s mother as heavy rain fell against the windows.
We’ve seen a terrible movie.
I think it was Transformers 1 or 2 or 14.
There are many of these movies and it’s hard to keep track.
Even more difficult when you have gone to someone’s house to have sex, but first have to watch a movie.
Casual sex is like that.
You don’t just start right away.
You pretend to perform a completely different activity first.
Sometimes for hours.
Until the moment is right.
“Sure, I would like to see your stamp collection with you”
Then you have to watch your date with such passion and precision seductively lick the back of stamps, remembering to sell your soul to the devil to become a stamp for just a second.
For me, this thoughtless activity was to look at Transformers.There’s only so much Shia Lebeouf I can watch before I want to slit my throat.
And as I approached that threshold, the point where the steak knives in the kitchen looked powerfully appealing, we went from robot cars to romance.
Lips touched each other.
Clothes layers were dropped.
And as the eternally damaging rain continued to hammer the walls outside, I was ready to hammer the girl inside.
“Let me go and get me ready for you,” Stacey purred.”Be better prepared for me when I come back”.
At that time I was shirtless and was travelling on an express train towards the city of pleasure.
In fact, nothing would stop me from completing the deal.
As Stacey slipped down the hallway and closed the door behind her, I made sure she kept to her demands and pulled me out faster when Optimus Prime became a big truck.
Meanwhile, the raging rain continued to rage against the walls of the apartment, creating a soundtrack of lust and romance.
It must not have been longer than a few minutes.
In fact, it was only enough time for Stacey’s fluffy white cat to wander into the living room and gently mow at me.
I had a cat growing up.
His name was Henry.
And I think normal names are hilarious for animals.
I think cats are great.
Considering Henry’s mind, I picked up this cat and held it to my chest while I waited for Stacey to come back.
I really want to make it clear here – in case I ever run for office – I didn’t have any sexual relations with this cat.
I just picked him up from the ground because he was white and fluffy and apparently wanted attention.
Surely I was naked.
But that doesn’t make it sexual.
I was naked before and ate nachos.
It didn’t make it sexual either.
I didn’t want to smear melted cheese all over my body and rub jalapenos against my nut bag.
Even if these nachos were madness.
Sometimes people just do things naked.
And in this case… I held a cat in my hand.
I heard the sound of a door opening.
It was measured and deliberate.
“That must be Stacey,” I thought, trying to imagine the complicated lingerie she had climbed into in the last 3 minutes.
As the steps moved down the hallway to the living room, my excitement grew.
In a moment of thought that can only be described as “unfortunate”, I got up and waited at the entrance to the living room.
The fluffy white cat in my arms.Completely naked. Penis outside and proud.
I thought it was sweet.To show this page of me. Maybe make Stacey smile.
And that’s all I really wanted.
To make them happy.
So when Stacey’s mother goes into the living room to see a stranger holding the family cat with her tail outstretched, I can only imagine her thoughts.
She immediately froze.
I don’t blame them.
If I were confronted with a naked man with a cat, I would also freeze.
It seemed so unreal and crazy that I thought I’d had a stroke.Or lived in a kind of coma.
But she didn’t stay silent for long.
“What the hell are you doing there?” she asked, her voice demanding attention.
In hindsight, I like this question.
She wasn’t shocked, there was a man in her house.
She didn’t ask who I was.But what would I do?
As if she had met many of Stacey’s gentleman applicants, but none was as idiotic as me.
The throbbing of the feet came almost instantaneously along the hallway.
“Mum, I thought you were gone all night?” said Stacey, her voice breaking, as if she had just been caught stealing presents under the Christmas tree.
“The weather was too crazy,” her mother replied, her eyes not leaving me.”I didn’t feel comfortable going all the way there,” he said.
Then there was a minute of silence.
It was a moment I will never forget.
By far the most embarrassing thing that happened to me before my fianc茅Stacey.
Only the three of us (4 if you count the cat) are in complete silence.
An angry mother.
A humiliated daughter.
And a naked man holding a fluffy white cat in his hand.
I did not try to regain my dignity afterwards.
It didn’t make sense.
I sneaked down the hallway and walked into Stacey’s room (her mother graciously allowed me to stay the night).I suspect my dignity is still there, in this living room held captive by the angry gaze of a disgruntled mother.
In her opinion, she didn’t seem too angry with me because her daughter was f**kinginised in her own apartment.
Honestly, I think she was most annoyed at how close her cat was to my knob.
Which is really a fair argument.
And while it couldn’t derail our evening (instead, we managed to see Transformers in their room), it’s a moment of horror that I’ll never forget.
Getting caught naked is stupid.
But getting caught naked when you’re holding someone else’s pet naked is worse.
Stacey and I had a few more dates before life got in our way and we went our separate ways.
We exchanged a few words from time to time before the communication fell silent and the track went on.
I don’t remember what Stacey is up to.
Or her mother.
But even now, years later.
I can’t walk past a fluffy, white cat without looking away, thinking of Stacey and feeling the ultimate feeling of shame.
Photo credit: Pixabay