I was afraid of never seeing him again.
He was like a ghostly hand, an integral part of my life – he took every little area under my life curve.I unconsciously made it a vital element in my existence. The sheer thought that he’s gonehad a life-threatening effect on me.I left the argument of my raison d’etre to another person, him. He was my eyes – how should I manage my life blindly? He was my lungs – how should I breathe now? He was my heart, and with that everything important was gone. His passing disfigured me. So, weeks later, I believed that only his return would restore me. But something in me – a very timid voice with a will to survive outside of this symbiosis , drove me inwardly to refrain from contacting him. It was a very small but very bright voice of light in me, which called on me, despite all the circumstances and pain, to trust her this time. I did.
I was convinced that when this relationship is no longer, I will never or can never love again. It felt as if he had taken part of myself and permanently destroyed the other.
At the time of this reality, I did not have the slightest idea of the long and bumpy journey that was yet to come.By the end of the relationship, I wasn’t resilient. And man can endure a lot. At that time, there was still a lack of courage to look at my shortcomings – the deep-seated shock was too great. Months were to pass, which were characterized by daily hard processing rituals, until I was able to solve a big and painful puzzle in me.
My key was the psychological phenomenon of mirroring.A narcissist , like a chameleon – is nothing more than a human mirror. He must imitate the other because he does not have his own clear authentic self.
Lovebombing: He reflected my healed self—I fell in love with ME—the healed version of myself.All the lovely thing about me that I couldn’t or didn’t want to see in myself, he made me visible. It was probably my first encounter with myself, about a second person; the narcissist. All my life I have been unable, blocked or embossed to recognize, let alone love, myself.It had to be made visible to me in the outside, because I didn’t allow it out of myself.And so it is that we all saw our soulmate through the bank in our partners, because we were: you are related to yourself!
Devaluation: At some point a chameleon changes its appearance because it is exhausting to hold a mirror.So the N began to project his narcissistic nature on me. His mask – my self (!) slipped on him. Suddenly my reflection was gone and a completely different person stood in front of me.It confused and frightened me. He now reflected to me all the components of my own primal wound, which I was also able to masterfully displace. The Mirror worked superbly, in that it revealed everything about myself to me. But I wanted the first mirror image back, minus all my wounds.And so I did not fight for our relationship in the form of my narcissist, but I fought for the preservation of my mirrored healed self. I wanted my healed self back! I wanted to be healed. There I felt safe and comfortable. Now it was gone again; futsch (a second time).
Disposal: Now there was no mirror left.Nothing was there anymore; only emptiness. The agonizing state, after the separation, also has very little to do with the narcissist, even if for the time being everything hinted at it. The emptiness is still a reflection, although the narcissist was already over all 7 mountains, he still bravely held the mirror for me.The emptiness was my feeling about the almost complete extinction of meie’s self. But the narcissist never took my self with him. It – the emptiness – was the image of the state that made it possible that the appearance of the narcissist in my life, necessary: a fragmented and not healed self.
Thus, through the encounter with my narcissist, I have relived the evolution of my own soul in the conscious body.Because at some point in my life I had loved myself, then devalued myself and at some point disposed of my beautiful self in order to find my value there through the satisfaction of others.
I was convinced that when this relationship is no longer, I will never or can never love again.
Whoever has survived the narcissistic encounter – the encounter with oneself – and brings the work on his self to healing, will be able to love and do so: the most important person in his life – himself.