Here’s a description of why I wasn’t aware for years that I was living with a narcissist.C/o unfortunately in English, because a similar question was asked on the English Quora page, which I answered.
It took me 18 years to figure out that he was a narcissist.In the beginning I didn’t think HE was not normal. I just thought his behaviour sometimes wasn’t. But as I am a very patient and optimistic person, I thought it wasn’t something I couldn’t change or at least correct in some way. You know, “it only takes a lot of patience and a lot of love”. Yeah right. That way of thinking turned me from a lively and happy person into a depressed one. I didn’t think I ended up with someone with NPD. Another reason was my ignorance – I thought that narcissist are all the loud, bragging type of person. Here are examples of how I explained things to myself.
He keeps forgetting things.- There must be some organic brain disorder. He has a short fuse. – He is an only child who was spoiled and doted on by his mother so he never learned to respect boundaries.
He is disrespectful to many people.- His father was a person with no authority. He talks nonsense. – He is not very intelligent.
Our conversations quickly escalate because he loses his nerves.- He hasn’t read any books so he doesn’t know how to see things from the other person’s perspective. He seems like he has different personalities.
He tries to come across as very educated when talking to people of status.- He wants people to think highly of him, I feel sorry for him that he is so insecure.
He is mean to “unimportant people” like waiters.Unfortunately he seems to have a bad character. He starts shouting that seems to be for no good reason. – Somebody else might have pissed him off today.
He shows no interest in our children.- It is so unfortunate that he was brought up in a conservative way where he was taught that taking care of the children is the woman’s job. He seems far off, not present. – It’s sad that he has so few interests, so easily gets bored.
Only the best is good enough for him.- It’s sad that he lives in a predominantly materialistic world where he thinks that possessing things is a sign of somebody’s success and importance.
When we are together in public, unlike when we are alone, he is looking at me with extreme pride.It reminds me of the satisfacion and the need to brag about buying an expensive new car. – Feelings cannot always be trusted. I must be exaggerating or imagining things.
He lacks impulse control.- Nobody has taught him that this kind of behavior is unacceptable. (I will teach him hahahaha)
He has attitudes I find unacceptable.- Well, that’s probably because we grew up in very different social settings.
He frequent shouts at me and threatens me. – I definitely don’t deserve this, but let’s see: How should I behave in future in order to avoid this happening again?
Well, now I am cured of seeing things the way I used to and I should forgive myself for being so stupid as it seems like somebody said “as if all the narcs went to the same academy”.
If you are with a narcissist, I hope you will sooner learn how to interpret the signs than I did.It took me four years after our seperation to distance myself from what I have experienced and to be able to think about him without falling disgusted, without feeling extremely upset or depressed. Though he wasn’t near me physically, he continued to live in my head.
I hope you will be spared this experienced.And if you are in the middle of this devasting relationship I hope you will end it sooner than I did. Please inform yourself how to end it. There’s lots of info on the internet on how to get out of this relationship. And don’t try to “explain,” “make him see.” It’s useless. You only want harm yourself.