The basic thing about all people suffering from a narcissistic personality disorder is that while they have many talents and talents (intelligence, wit, charm, business acumen) – the formation and maintenance of intimate relationships is not one of them.Their relationships are usually very flat, no matter how much they are suitable for loving you.
Many narcissistic individuals are quite able to assure you that one day you will be the love of their lives and then you will suddenly leave for someone because they are angry or bored.Your desire to reconnect with you after “the drop” is just as flat. How they respond to you without ignoring their new overtures depends on their personality style.
Example – Let me use a typical situation as an example.Let’s say you’re a woman, worked with a guy you like for a while, and then your narcissist friend lets you go very unkindly. For reasons you don’t know, he contacted you again and you chose not to respond.
This can go down some different paths, depending on his personal style and his relationship to relationships.Not all narcissistic men are equal. Here are some of the most common narcissistic relationship styles I’ve encountered.
- THE STALKER
This person can’t bear to be thrown away, even if they’ve gone out loud and declare swaying that they’re worthless rubbish that had to lose ten pounds.If you ignore his recovery attempts, he forgets everything he said before and fixes your attention instead.
This can be done in two different ways, depending on his personality:
- His hunting instincts are aroused by the rejection and he feels the need to get you back because he now sees you as a status-raising trophy, or:
- He is offended by your rejection and now wants to punish you maliciously.
The trophy hunter: Suddenly you are the one who got away and he wants you back.He will woo you again. He starts “liking” your Instagram posts, sends you cute texts and suddenly remembers your birthday and suggests that you both celebrate with a drink at your favorite date location. Or he occasionally mentions that he happens to be in your neighborhood and asks if he can come by. He will tell you that he misses you terribly. He can even say that he regrets how you have separated and ask for a second chance to prove to you that he loves you and has learned from his mistakes.
If you’re flattered and naive about narcissists, you might think it’s about how much he cares about you.This is not about you, it’s not about the bad things he’s done before or the nice things he’s doing now. It’s all about him.
Similarly, a deer hunter does not care which deer head he is allowed to attach to the wall as long as he enjoys hunting and outwitts the deer; Your guy sees you as a trophy that he can pack by regaining your attention.Once he “has” you, he will lose interest in you again and end the relationship as before.
You’re just another dead deer.When he says, “my darling,” he really says, “MYdeer.
The bad guy: This is the guy who can’t get on after ignoring his new overtures because he sees this as a concession that he lost and you won.His shaky self-esteem cannot bear the blow. Their rejection makes him feel insignificant, and in order to regain his sense of grandiose peculiarity, he must feel that he has erased your self-esteem.
He can leave nasty drunken phone messages in which he says that anything he can think of could hurt you.If you have both friends, he will say mean things about you behind your back. He does not lie to protect his image of himself. He will also post several photos of himself with various beautiful women on his FaceBook page, hoping that you will see them and die of envy and regret. Many of these photos will be of women he doesn’t know, but seen in a bar and taken for a “selfie” in the hope that he could prove to you how coveted ALL women find him. His paintings are just as fake as he is.
The best thing you can do is ignore it and at some point something or someone else will attract their attention and distract him from you.Since he probably enjoys more confrontation than you do if you say or do something in response to his provocations, he is likely to escalate the conflict even further. If you’re not willing to press the nuclear button and go to war and use a lot of weapons against it, you might want to sit outside and wait for him to lose interest in you again.
- THE GHOST
Unlike “stalkers,” “ghosts” tend not to like confrontation.They are basically inherently avoidable. This man probably originally went by simply disappearing from your life without telling you why. He stopped shouting and didn’t answer your texts. You wondered what happened. Now he’s resurfaced and you have no idea why he’s gone back or why he left.
I did exactly the same thing.Since people can usually be exchanged for narcissists and are valued primarily for the features they provide and not for themselves, your “spirit” is likely to go further and connect with someone else on his list Put. Ghosts rarely explain why they leave, but they are used to chasing someone else.
Punchline: If you want to try to predict the behavior of a narcissist after ignoring its connection attempts, you have to wonder which of the above categories best characterizes him.Of course, not everyone fits into one of the above points, but I think these three basic styles are a good start: Is he a “Trophy Hunter”, a “Mean Guy” or a “Ghost”?
Elinor Greenberg, PhD, CGP
In private practice in NYC and author of the book: Borderline, Narcissistic and Schizoid Adaptations: The Pursuit of Love, Admiration and Security.