What does it do to a child when the parents separate? Why do children suffer so much from a ‘divorce war’? What are the psychological consequences of such experiences?

My parents separated in the worst way: it was a total war of roses.

What does that do to children?Our world is collapsing, we are losing everything that is important to us from one day to the next, we are losing our homes (including our emotional home), we are getting to know our parents from a side that we would never have suspected of them and learning what money is and what is needed she does it with people.

We suffer tremendously because we are separated from loved ones, possibly even arguing with them or even breaking, and we regret this for years.We are constantly used and manipulated as a means of pressure. Our trust is abused because everything we say can be used against a parent we love very much. We learn what it is like to be listened to and what the telling of supposed trivialities can have for far-reaching consequences.

We blame ourselves all the time because everything would be so much easier if we weren’t there….And parents can tell us a thousand times that this is not the case. Children know what parents are arguing about and custody and maintenance are part of it. If people who divorce do not have children, they can more easily go their separate ways. We were 9.11 and 14 and we understood that at the time.

We must grow up faster than other children, no longer cause any more problems, or deal with them ourselves.Do we have problems in a subject? Well, we should catch up quickly. We are bullied at school? Our problem. Then we just have to change schools. We need to become self-employed more quickly, we are becoming very thoughtful and weigh up very well who we trust and what we say to whom, when. We no longer hang our hearts on things because they can be gone very quickly and it takes a long time for us to hang our hearts back on people. We become conflict-averse and inaverse.

However, it also welds together when we have siblings, because we can help each other and form a safe circle together, so to speak, and we never feel like we are completely alone with our feelings.Even if we don’t talk about it.

Well, and what do children do if they don’t know where to go with their feelings?They either eat everything into themselves, get eating disorders, distract themselves with drugs or become aggressive and behaviorally conspicuous. These things can then be reflected in bad grades, which may reflect the rest of life or educational pathway unnecessarily difficult.

And how are the little children doing when they are grown up?

We can’t handle stress well and we don’t want to talk about real problems.Never. With no one.

However, we can solve problems well and get up quickly when we are on the ground.If we hadn’t learned that, it would have been very bad for us. We don’t care about material things, we can live very modestly when it’s needed, and we never spend more money than we have. We don’t run to our parents when we need money, we find a legal way to get money. We know that people are not perfect and that we should get to know the ugly side first before we bind ourselves in any way in the long term. We don’t blaspheme about others and we don’t bully anyone because we know psychoterror is shit. We immediately notice when someone tries to manipulate us, tell strangers, colleagues, superiors, friends and family members only what they need to know and can keep things very good for us.

We are afraid to take unnecessary risks and nothing seems more beautiful to us than simply to live a normal life.

We do not blame our parents, because at some point we understood that people are human beings and that our parents are no exception.Parents are not saints, they are not all-knowing or -anyone, they are not relationship experts, they are not ambassadors for peace, and sometimes they don’t know what to do. Parents have problems like all other people and yet they have never regretted having fathered us and that in turn gives you the confidence that everything is good for anything. We know that in life you have to eat shit and work hard to get anywhere, that the world hasn’t waited for us, not all of them roll out the red carpet when we come and that it’s not bad at all, but that we’re looking for our place. , find and claim (and do so as far as possible without breaking off the fence or getting terribly stressed).

And what is the relationship-technical situation?

It took me a long time to become able to relate and to learn to trust myself and others.In my first relationships I was very insecure, jealous and separated very quickly as soon as something disturbed me. I didn’t explain myself, I didn’t work on myself or the relationship, but I always went the same way. I’ve never had a problem with being a long single, but even liked it. I also felt drawn to boys and later men who either had no interest in me at all or who were much more important than spending time with me. Even though I am in a very happy relationship today, in which we both like to be, have also mastered one or the other difficult situation and did not run away immediately (I pat myself on the shoulder inwardly), I am not interested in a marriage and would only agree to children if I could entertain them completely alone and then marry if there was a marriage contract. I don’t mean that badly, but I imagine a family life without money worries and with clear conditions more relaxed.

My brothers, on the other hand, cling to relationships like drownings on a life buoy.

They have both always had very long relationships.One of them then married his second girlfriend (without a marriage contract) and has a child for which he is trying to be a super father. The other is still with his very first girlfriend after almost 10 years, she definitely wants to get married and start a family with her as soon as he can afford it economically. Neither have a problem with taking responsibility and doing everything for their wives. Under any circumstances, as I said, they would not voluntarily separate and they want to make their wives happy at all costs.

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