What can you do to make the end of a marriage not too painful for your children?

Well, it’s painful, how you turn it or turns.My son had and still has a very absent father. He did almost nothing with him. Once I have relationship therapist turned on and we have had a session. Then my ex found that it was a waste of money and that he would rather spend that money, time and energy on fun things with his family. That was finally what I wanted, right? He took him exactly once to the petting zoo where it appeared that he had his laptop with him and was very nice to work there. Next time he took us to the Efteling and promised that he was not going to work there. After an hour and a half on the Efteling he indicated that he had to return to his office (on Sunday).

So when I suddenly got an email from his lawyer about the divorce and a WhatsApp message from him stating that he went on holiday for 4 weeks and then no longer came back, I appi back that we had to make it known together to our son .So before his departure to Schiphol he stood at the door, he had a lot of haste. He said to our little son: Listen, I go on holiday now, then I have to work very hard and I have no time to be here every day, but I’ll play with you and do fun things. And away he was. I thought, my little son is hardly going to notice that his father is gone. He is never there anyway.

My son stayed sunny and cheerful.With an exception, he didn’t want to sleep in his room anymore. He went to bed with me and when he fell asleep, I lifted him up and brought him to his own bed. About an hour he woke up and started looking for me, afraid I also went away. Even the JUF asked me if everything was okay. He would have said to her that his father went on vacation to Africa and he was eaten there by a crocodile.

When his father came up with the parental plan he picked him up on Friday-evening and returned on Saturday for 18 hours, he still remained cheerful and quiet.He did it fine in school and had many friends. But it took two years until he only dared to sleep again. I also had to promise him several times that I would never go away.

A divorce is always very painful for the children.Much more than you would suspect. At least that is my experience with our children who were already slightly older (17 and 12). I would also like to join in with what Bobby de Boer said. Never put the other parent in a bad light. Never, even if the children are not there, you never know how it comes to their own. The children have strong loyalty to both orders!

Further: continue to treat each other respectfully.Conflicts can sometimes be difficult to avoid, but remain respectful of each other.

Quickly make a situation that you are well entertained and do not need to avoid each other on occasions.There will always be situations that you will have to be present together with the children, for example diploma ceremonies.

Also try to treat the new partners if they are there or come respectfully, even in their absence.

Painful it will always be, I fear.

Try to avoid the “fight separation” please.Never try to make the children choose a side. Make sure that they can also maintain contact with both parents after the divorce. Do not see those days/weekends as an opportunity to set up the children against the other. When you talk to the children about the reasons for it, try not to blame, but say: “It didn’t work out”, we couldn’t stay together, it wasn’t feasible. Am talking about circumstances, not about people. But do not give them the impression that this is generally the case, that relationships usually fail: otherwise they will go through life with that certainty.

This is all difficult, because if the relationship has not succeeded, there is also little basis for a good divorce (weird if that may sound).And both sides should work with this. Difficult so.

I know a separate couple who had found a solution where the children I think are the most involved:

The children stayed in the house, and both parents were looking for an apartment, and one week mom attended the children, and the other week daddy.

As a child “two houses” has a lot of disadvantages for the child -you have two addresses, but you do not struggle anywhere (at least, that’s what OK with our grandson see happen).In addition: you will only need something that is in the other house (like your sneakers).

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