It’s like a slow-acting poison, you don’t feel quite comfortable, but you can’t point your finger at it.It starts slowly, you don’t even recognize it as abuse. But it wears you down with lots of little bites. And you are more and more wondering why you feel uncomfortable. Because you feel safe and don’t feel a danger, your defense mechanisms are at rest. You are preparing for the “golden relationship” you have always dreamed of. In doing so, you remain totally focused and shake off everything that might prevent you from realizing your dream – even this uncomfortable feeling that you cannot interpret.
You start asking questions.To which you get, if at all, very clever lies in response. You don’t take long to say that things go smoother if you don’t ask questions.
Yes, you are unsettled.However, you think that things are just a bit more rumbling and that everything is already re-energized.
There are a few things your partner doesn’t like about you.But you’re working on it and so you think the sun will soon shine again.
Your perception of reality is beginning to blur and become blurred.You doubt whether things are really the way they appear to you. Simply accepting this has turned out to be a path of least resistance for you.
You think the deceptions you see just can’t be real and they can’t hurt you that way, people can’t really behave like that if they really love you.You accept that your perception of reality must be wrong, because: what must not be, that cannot be.
Things seem to be getting further and further out of the way.You have worked hard to change the way your beloved partner wants you to, just to make it right for him. However, you do not get any recognition for it. You suffer a lot from the pain and doubt whether it was worth all the effort at all. But then you think again… Oh, that’s all going to pass and get back in if you just put a little more effort into working you and the relationship.
But that’s exactly what it is: you’re the problem.You are the one who ruins paradise. You feel like you’re bundled into a package and just put away. You try to fit into your partner’s desired form, but you will never succeed.
Your whole life could be with only an approving nod, or the slightest recognition orConfirm that you’ve done something right. But this will never come. You live your life according to your partner’s ideas and do everything for it. But when you look into your partner’s eyes, you see only disapproval. It feels like a slow death that cuts out heart and soul with repeated stitches.
The permanent questioning of your values, morality, your value as a human being and partner is exhausting.You try to acquire a thick coat, but your self-esteem is slowly but surely crushed.
You are always the culprit.You create the problems through all your mistakes, mistakes and inadequacies. Why don’t you want to meet your partner’s needs? Why are you just worthless? It is no longer really a question of questions. Because you already have these as facts or Truth accepted. All this cannot be true, but it MUST be true, because it is only a matter of what is wrong with you and what mistakes you are making.
You may mistakenly think that reaching an agreement is the final conclusion of all the endless painful discussions.But that is not the case. The real goal is to keep the conversations and arguments alive and to get you out of balance with it, whereyours your partner feeds on your emotional reactions like a vampire sucking blood. There will be no agreement or common ground, because that would end your partner’s control and feeding your emotions. Turning words in the mouth and repetitive discussions constantly starting anew, as if there had never been previous repetitions or even a memory of them.
This game will become your daily diet.Your nerves lie bare. It won’t be long before you have to defend yourself and have to be questioned again. Everything you say will be used against you. Either you are too thin-skinned or your arguments are too weak. Your partner will rotate everything as he needs it. You are threatening to fall into self-doubt more and more. At some point, you won’t even notice that this is all just a dirty game of your partner, where your state of mind is at stake.
Your partner would never treat you like that in front of other people.His public image is very important to him and he tries to maintain it with the utmost care. Even if only someone calls on the company, all this horror won’t happen. No one will believe that the narcissist is capable of the behavior you endure on a daily basis.
All this has been going on for far too long and your self-confidence is almost completely destroyed.You get depression and – God knows – you may slip much deeper. Depression, nervous breakdowns and post-traumatic stress disorder as well as massive anxiety lead to physical health problems. These can include stomach-skin problems, autoimmune diseases, cardiovascular problems and numerous other ailments.
You feel as if you have to defend yourself constantly and are therefore overly vigilant and start to suspect a danger everywhere.You know the next attack will come on you, but you don’t know when it’s going to happen.
You go to the person who torments you to get relief, which leads to a trauma bond.You feel like you can’t live without your partner. You think you need someone who just wants to destroy you. You simply do not expect that someone who should have your highest good in mind wants to destroy you. It just can’t be real.
But your narcissistic partner destroys you bit by bit.You alone are responsible for all the mistakes. He will always point to you as the culprit. He will never stop. It’s like brainwashing. Sooner or later you believe all this. And you also think you deserve it all. Because if not even the narcissist wants you, then no one wants you in this world.
You might think that ending the relationship would put an end to all this.But it’s just the beginning of another fight. The parts of you are so shattered that they never fit together again as you once were as a fully intact being. Salvation seems to last forever, for the narcissist will always remain in your thoughts.
The narcissist will tell all sorts of people, your family and your friends again and again what a hell of living with you.They play themselves as heroes or victims just to destroy your support lines. They discredit you before you even entrust your experiences to others. In doing so, they will destroy any support before you even use it.
When you have managed to escape, you are still not in the dry.Often friends and family don’t understand in the slightest what you’ve been through. They just believe that you’ve just overstepped down and stepped into things too much. They consider your behaviour to be the normal drama, as is often the case when a relationship collapses. They say: Calm down facH!
Oh, how much we would like it to work so easily and quickly…
But, time heals all wounds.It will take a long time, but healing will find its own way. The first signs are a good moment here and there. This will turn into individual good days, then good weeks and finally you will have a good life again.
If you have never been a victim of narcissistic abuse, you will probably never really understand this text here.
I set up a self-help group for narcissistic abuse.Join in and let the healing begin. Click here for my Facebook profile.