No, the following points are not universal.Nevertheless, I have experienced some of it myself and see it with peers who have also become parents. Some people may not agree with the conventional wisdom, but so be it. Which brings us to the first point.
- Be prepared to tick.
Every generation does it as well as they can.Unfortunately, this also leads to parents and grandparents sometimes interfering. Phrases such as “That didn’t hurt us” (depending on how “committed” the family is) can be the order of the day. The fact is that it is not certain whether this or that has harmed those affected.You only know the actual state. Time travel and another try is excluded. When you have children, you also have the chance to grow, become more independent and let the opinions of other opinions be. Be self-confident and simply ask yourself what you or You want for your child.
Yes, it is important to get inspiration, to inform yourself, and to be clear about how you want to raise your child.
It is all too easy to fall into a delusion of self-optimization. You read guides and blogs and at the end you don’t know where your head is. It gets worse when you forget that a child needs two things above all else: attention and love. I know this is a standard answer, but why do you think it has become the standard? Right, because it’s true. 🙂
Okay, I hear the outcry … Please how?
Don’t praise a child? Why that? Well, the short answer is, “Because a child is a human being, not an animal.” First of all, I know that praise is always well-intentioned. However, it causes children to develop unnaturally. E.g.: A child slips down the slide. 98 out of 100 parents clap their hands and say: “Wooowwww, suuuper did you do this my darling!!!” The motive is noble: one is happy and wants to encourage the child to continue to slide. The question is, why? If the child himself enjoys the activity itself, he will continue to slip. But if you break out now in a storm of enthusiasm, if the child strictly does nothing but sit on his buttowed and let physics run its course, it only slips because he wants the praise. There’s a simple thing behind it: children don’t need praise – children need attention. It is much more important to see the child, to be there. Say, “Ah, I see that you can slide on your own.” This shows you that you are attentive and interested. If the child has fun, keep going. If not, not. This is proven to make more sense than parents who (I’m dramatizing a little) sit on the bench and automatically “Suuuper! Great!” roar without really realising what the child has just done. Praise is like a drug for children. So one should ask oneself whether one wants to educate a praise junkie (and what this means for later self-reliance. Note: The more praise is given, the less the child/adult follows his wishes, but does what promises the most praise/recognition/prestige.) The book “Love and Independence” by Alfie Kohn is more detailed and highly recommended.
Admittedly, this is misunderstood.
By this I mean, treat your child with the same respect that you have for an adult. If we treated our adult friends like children, we would have very few friends. Imagine the following scenario: Your partner comes home grabs your smartphone and says, “So, from now on you don’t need that anymore.” Doesn’t sound very nice, what? But make sure that we often treat children like this. We determine what is right and wrong. Pacifier? No, with 3 you don’t need a pacifier anymore. Says who? An educational guide? The (mother-in-law)? The fact is: the child seems to need the pacifier, otherwise he would not put it in his mouth. The silly construct of the pacifier fairy doesn’t help either!
Once again, we have a lot to decide for our children, of course.Especially when it comes to health, safety and hygiene. But the sound makes the music. Also – and perhaps just – with children.
What can little Jana do at 10 months?
Nice for them. Little Marc may not have started until 17 months, but he was able to throw a ball like a little baseball player. Finn can paint a car with wheels and doors at the time of 3? Class, but it is just as legitimate that max of the same age prefers to play most of the time only with cars.
No parent admits it, but sooner or later the comparisons begin for many of them.Let them. Children are so different in the first few years. Let’s celebrate this rather than run after any standards.
You kind of know it beforehand, but the reality has a completely different quality: a child changes the relationship with your partner.
This is meant to be neutral. It doesn’t automatically get better or worse. It’s going to be different. How the relationship develops in concrete terms is in your hands. Create times for you. By this I do not necessarily mean romantic evenings or holidays without a child, but times to talk. Communicate and share your concerns. Also on the subject of children. Men and women react (biologically completely understandable) very differently to being a parent. Be clear what you want and check out in between times how the current state is, how you are doing with it. Which oppresses you. Yes, I know: hippie stuff. Still: Make! That’s an order! 😉
Especially important in the early days.
Also as a father. Carry your child. Wear it as much as you want. There are carrying aids and cloths that simplify matters. And if someone says that you can’t carry a child all the time just because they want to, see point 1. At some point, the wearing issue has been dealt with anyway. Well, at least for the most part. Even if the child is older: Some are rather reserved, others seek physical contact and want e.g. or tickled. Enjoy that. Time is running faster than you think.
No, I am not always relaxed.
Quite the opposite. Children are simply exhausting. But what I’m referring to is the fact that a lot of things you think about or could do about yourself.
My son slept for the first year and a half only in a stretcher or in a swing (we had ordered an indoor model).I had to fix the swing with my feet, and had inflamed toes off it. It was just a horror. I thought my son would never, ever, never fall asleep in bed. Should this continue forever? In fact, this is not dramatised. It was really like that every day. But then one day, I was home alone with my son and it was time for bedtime, and he said to me, “Come Dad, go to bed.” I fell from all clouds.In a film, you would have heard angelic choirs in the background. Since that day the swing has never been used again and our son falls asleep quietly and peacefully in his bed (of course with me or my wife by his side).
A comparison fits in with this.
The difference between languageacquisition and learning a language is that the first one happens almost automatically, while you have to “force” yourself to the second.Someone who has been abroad for months or who has parents who speak different mother tongues has a better chance of learning the language than someone who sits down for two hours a day and hammers vocabulary into their skull. It is similar in education.
We all probably want children who are self-sufficient, but who also know and apply social customs.Nevertheless, it is silly to tell children when they have to say bites and thank you. When to say hello and to whom you (usually completely unfounded) hand.
Hence the simplest but most effective “education” tip of all time: You want your child to say thank you?Then say thank you yourself. You want your child to say, please say. Be a model for your child in the truest sense of the word. Then it also learns to combine the saying of thanksgiving with real gratitude and not to say thank you, because “you” do so. Again, just ask yourself which adult should become your child. Someone who speaks to everyone or someone who is self-sufficient.
The fear that a child could become completely ungrateful despite good role models is (assuming mental health) unfounded.My son is considered “well-educated” by many around him because he is very attentive, brings other things, please and says thank you etc. That’s quite funny, because in fact he’s not educated at all.
So the core question is and remains, what do you (really) want for your child.(And what do you do only because it’s easier for you.)