“I will never forgive you!” were my last words to the man I once loved and who is now nothing more than the narcissist.
How to create the balancing act of That I will never forgive you for forgiveness?Is that possible at all? Do I even have to? I have thought long and hard about how to answer this question. Do I bring Jesus in here? Or better not? I then deleted it again. Maybe I can do it this time without Jesus. On it goes…………….
For 12 months I had the opportunity to go with every abuse incident.
for 12 months.
One month after another, it was joined, like an apostle; an envoy.I didn’t want to be abused, but I was abused. The crime list is as long as a roll of toilet paper and probably had no other function than that. How could I get out of this quandary and credibly explain to myself that I had tolerated all these terrible things? Voluntarily. Of course, my early childhood traumas and imprints could produce no other programming in me than to make me a co-addict. Remotely controlled, with a fragile self-esteem deficit and a misguided notion of what love means and that it always means with gun inequality, harassment, deprivation of love, competitions for one’s own acceptance, begging, humiliation and abandonment is to be equated. I just loved what I was shown. How could I look in the mirror without further lying about being complicit in my abuse? How do you endure something like this when the excrement hits the fan? And yet it was. Not?
Hadn’t he punished me with contempt?I, too, despisedmyself.
Wasn’t it he who cheated on me?How many times had I cheated on myself?
Wasn’t he the dishonest? I believed all my lies.
Hadn’t he disrespected my values?I, too, disrespected them.
Were my borders not worthless to him?For me, too, they had no value.
Hadn’t he humiliated me?And that’s exactly what I did over and over again.
Hadn’t he taken away his love from me?I didn’t love myself.
We both, the narcissist and I, have a common altogether, we have brought pain to the same person; myself.But in this dance there is only one person who has something to forgive; two people for that.
If I cannot forgive the narcissist for the pain he inflicted on me, then Itoo cannot forgive myself for tolerating his pain.But I am dependent to a considerable extent on my own forgiveness towards me, so that I can finally emerge from this experience in a healthy and sustainable way. If I had refused my own forgiveness, I would always have been the victim. But I had no right to forgive myself. My tolerance came out of my unconsciousness about my shortcomings. An automatism that subconsciously steered my whole life and shaped it toxically. Only these deeply buried mechanisms in me allowed the inexplicable, the incomprehensible, the incomprehensible 鈥?to have tolerated the mistreatment of my own soul. A gap opened here; to allow the gap whether these deeply buried, unconscious, inexplicable, incomprehensible and incomprehensible mechanisms 鈥?also out of an early childhood abuse 鈥?also work in the man I loved and allowed to mistreat my soul. I have deliberately decided that this is the case.
And so it came to pass: “Father forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing!”