Four tips on how to improve coexistence
If you live together, work or spend your free time, there can be tensions if you do not create harmony.
Harmony is there when both feel comfortable and have no need to change anything.
How to create harmony in the twoness?Unfortunately, the teachers at school do not teach us this. There we learned – if at all! – Harmony in a larger group.
But how do you learn to harmonize as a couple?Love alone is not enough, even if it can help. Lovers are often unable to live together or even spend a week together in harmony.
Harmony in couple relationships requires more than love: mutual understanding, respect and intelligent communication.For communication, the following four tips. They are based on my own experience with an almost lifelong couple relationship.
The practical side of coexistence must be negotiated between the partners.From the order in the kitchen to the mutually acceptable use of the toilet. From the way we deal with each other to joint decisions about the choice of leisure programme.
Many tensions stem from couples not consciously negotiating coexistence with each other.You have to talk to each other about what needs you have, what you can’t suffer and where you draw boundaries.
Some issues may be tricky, such as body hygiene.But we should also be able to talk about this. Understanding, respect and goodwill help.
It goes without saying that the ‘negotiating partners’ must be on an equal footing.Any dominance is harmful to harmony.
The sound makes the music
Talking to each other is , exaggeratedly formulated 鈥?to 70% signal and 30% information.
Signal: tone, facial expressions, gestures, type of formulation, choice of words.If you have something to criticize, if you say something that is “not okay”, then the signal level is the most important part of the message. With the way I express myself, I communicate to the other person…
- … what kind of relationship I have with her (am I above her?)
- … what I think of myself (am I the Big Macker?)
- … what is the true motive of my criticism (do I get annoyed?
is it about MY feelings?)
If I tell the other person lovingly and modestly that I feel uncomfortable with XY, but I still love her, she will hardly get angry.
The worm must taste the fish, not the angler
If you really want to achieve something with what you say, you have to say it in such a way that it achieves the desired effect.If you want your partner to change her behaviour, you have to teach her that she…
- … perceive their behaviour
- … recognizes the wrong in their behavior
- … is willing to change their behaviour
If it is really a question of achieving a change in behaviour, we must not assume that the rules of the game are fixed.You have to do what works, not what you’ve learned as “correct.” If you have to throw chocolate at them, do it. If it needs a headstand, make it. Freestyle marketing.
So you have to ask yourself the question: How do I get the girlfriend to change the behavior that is “not okay”?Only the result counts.
Self-righteousness is unfair.always!
We like to fall into a self-righteous attitude if we believe that we are right.Self-righteous means: I feel entitled to give in to my ego needs, even if I hurt the other. I’m right, you’re wrong. Those who think this way have lost harmony.
Self-righteousness is always a mistake because it triggers aversion and defiance.You can’t achieve anything with it – at most disharmony.
“Loveworthiness, forbearance and consideration are the keys to the human heart”
Don Bosco (1815-1888, Italy.