I’ll add only one more.
If the ‘ no ‘ say remains problematic you buy time by saying “may I think about it”.About everyone says yes, one person wants to know how long. Standard answer: “Get your answer tomorrow.” And they want to know why: “This serious question deserves a serious answer. It is important enough for that. “
You will then have time to check whether you want to help and how to formulate your answer.Formulate as short as possible, you do not have to take responsibility for it. You only have to answer.
Besides, would you like to send €10,000 to me?Like today.
The most important thing in everything (if you REALLY want to do good) is, be consistent (that means to use a persistent logic).This means that you should not say no to yourself if you find that you do not have to say no to others.
That means you have to weigh what is more important. For that, you need to be consistent in honesty.So don’t just say ‘ want to do it for everyone ‘, but also weigh whether it is really ‘ good ‘. After all, sometimes you may find that you have done something ‘ good ‘ afterwards. But if you always ignore yourself, have you really done something ‘ good ‘? Or are you trying to rationalize why you actually did something ‘ not good ‘? Namely, you ignore yourself for another.
Being honest is searching for equality in things and honestly balancing everything.After all, no one is worth more than another. So you are not worth less than another and have the same rights.
Suppose we have Jan and Janet.They are both painters and arrive at the door with old elderly male. Jan and Janet, apart from the nameplate, are not distinguishable from each other. That’s how two-legged twins often go. The old male chooses Janet to do the paintwork. Why? Because he thinks it is fairer to give a woman a chance as well. On the way home, Janet finds out that Jan has her name card. The paintwork looks fine. The old male feels very good about his choice, because he has done positive sexual discrimination. Did it do anything? While painting, Janet looked nice in that everywhere, despite her some male traits.
Do you get the morality?Honesty is complex, but our choices are much more complex. To prevent people from abusing your ignorance, you need to make sure you know more of yourself than the other. Look at yourself and see what you’re moving and why you’re moving. Get to know yourself and suddenly you see a lot more worthwhile and you can also appreciate the things you did not feel good about yourself.
Learning to say no starts with learning.Learning begins with seeing, observing and understanding.
Get to know yourself and understand why you’re always saying no to yourself.Once you understand that you will be able to say yes to yourself more often and well, then you will have to be honest and sometimes say a little more to another.
We are only born (except Siamese twins) and we die alone.On the road between these two events we can choose who we move from one point to the other.
You have to figure out the underlying emotional cause and exiled from your consciousness and make place for a different kind of mentality and attitude.
You have to reprogram yourself to look at a situation differently, and to tackle a different attitude.
This will only be true if you become aware of your beliefs.
Your body can look like a computer, and your subconscious mind can look like an organic hard drive.
That “Disk” contains all sorts of information.That information consists of many beliefs that we store over the years (and this happens all our life long).
Especially as children we take very easy information to us (we hear our parents talk, we hear the acquaintances, etc.,…).
Even the media and numerous events that take place in life can affect us.
As we age, we are always better able to think critically (because our brain functions differently), but this differs from human to human.
Therefore, it is important to be surrounded by the right kind of people.
There are people who take you down, and people who inspire you.This last category is much more interesting to learn from, than the previous category (of which you go broke).
- Embrace you with people who are good at setting boundaries (and who also respect your boundaries and personal preferences).
Learn from them. Watch how they talk, and how they cope with their time and energy.
If you have too little self-esteem then you may have difficulty laying boundaries. Then you tend to put others in front of their needs (feelings of guilt that you have learned to feel by a manipulative person in your past can be the cause of this).
Fear and negative emotions play an important role in this.
You may have learned from childhood to say “yes” (women often suffer because they are pushed to act in a service-oriented way to others and if they do not they are condemned to “bad man”).
No one likes to feel bad about herself, but it is often reproached to us if we do not give others their meaning.
And this then causes us to get exhausted, to feel our crimp and to cherish resentment towards others.
So you benefit from detecting the cause of your problem deep inside.
Just as with physical illness, there is also something like emotional disorders.
In English one speaks about “People Pleasing.” You then systematically give others what they want, while you are being compromised (and this often arises from the fear that the other will choke you and reject you).
Someone has taught you to do this and learn to feel.Often it is a manipulative parent who has taught you that “no” is a dirty word (by way of speaking) and his/her needs placed above yours (it is often a narcissistic parent), and then gave you a guilt or perceived you as “bad” if you Individual needs wanted to communicate to the parent.
Luckily, you don’t have to bother for the rest of your life.
I would say, read and learn about co-dependence (in English one speaks about codependency).
There is a lot of information to find about it.
Codependency/co-dependence can be learned and cured.
The world of emotional healing can help you with this (EFT/Emotional Freedom Technique is one example).
It is therefore advisable to read about this and then find out how you can best work to heal this.
Codependence (I shared this link because it is well defined in the text on the page, the rest can leave you aside)
Did you know that you also fall under ‘ everyone ‘?So you can also listen to yourself.
A good tip from the book ‘ Yes Man ‘:
‘ Say Yes to everything, except for when yes means no to yourself. ‘
So in other words, say yes to the things you like to do (with others and for yourself) and the things where challenges are in which you can learn, except if saying yes to someone means you have to ignore yourself or over your own Grenze N goes.
If you approach it that way, (at least I found it very useful) then you realize that you are very often saying ‘ yes ‘ and that strength me in the thought that I can just say ‘ no ‘.That ‘ no ‘ was therefore no longer such a thing for me. It’s just a piece of awareness. Everyone can say ‘ no ‘, you too, and if you already have so much ‘ yes ‘ on the scales, you can certainly throw a ‘ no ‘ to it. Then you are still a good person, because you will not only take care of the others, but you will also take care of yourself!
Tips for a clear No
Assertive individuals come up for themselves, without forgetting other feelings and interests:
- Know what you want.
Our lives are too busy to do everything: you don’t have enough time to say ‘ yes ‘ constantly. So make choices.
If you have set clear goals for yourself, you can say ‘ no ‘ more easily if a request does not fit your priorities: for example ‘ No, I don’t want that ‘.
Rest assured, ‘ why ‘ they will not ask quickly in that case. However, you can give a short explanation in the form of a I-message, for example.
Talk about what you want, because it can’t be read off your face.
A real solution does not offer a Dodge.
You then negotiate as it were and show understanding for the other. Be careful with that: it still remains the other problem. Avoid seeing you as the person with a solution to everything.
If the other continues to insist after a no, then you may not admit. Surely you don’t want to be known as someone who after a bit of insistence does everything for the other?
If you are struggling to say ‘ no ‘ right away, you can say that you want to think about it and that you will return to it shortly.
Also, don’t be afraid to come back to your decision. Just say that you have thought about it again and that you finally decided not to do it. Don’t wait too long for that.
Watch your tone, mimics and posture. Stay relaxed and watch the other.
Finally, remember that reluctantly go into people questions will only make you more uncertain and undermine your self-confidence.You do yourself too short and that gnaws of your self-esteem. So keep yourself and defend what’s important to you!
This is just one of the countless lists of tips.With what you find online, you often shoot a lot, but the reality is much more complicated. Your ‘ ja’s ‘ shoots often stem from guilt, fear of being found unkind, you hate to reject others, etc.
It becomes harder when you have to say ‘ no ‘ to work.Your ‘ no ‘, however reasonable it may be, you can later break up acid.
I can easily write a paper about it.However, it usually makes it more self-explanatory: causes, real disadvantages of consenting, situations from simple to complicated, estimating what the consequences of your ‘ no ‘ is for those who take a ‘ yes ‘, observe how Others get their ‘ nee’s ‘ effortlessly sold,…
I used to suffer from it.The solution I found in a strange nook: my studies marketing. I learned to know my rights on a business level, techniques to avoid a ‘ no ‘ tout court ‘ etc., without arrogance or by helping to think of alternatives. What turned out? Marketing is anything but a positive science, but applying healthy farming sense and its basic rules in an academic jargon, decorated with graphs and tables make a bit more complicated and chronicle.
This in SE Human science taught me a lot more about universal social interaction and behavioral patterns than about the business world.
People are not basic good beings and do not always do well.A fundamentally good person would never have been misused by others. Therefore, it is obvious that your alleged goodness is an attempt to obscure fundamental self-deficits. Under this attempt lies a great vulnerability that is indeed your car-wide gate to abuse you. No to say, you learn by becoming aware of the pain you are trying to ward off by doing good, and, of course, disdain your own essential self-needs. In short, by developing your own value.
“Now people are abusing my goodness.”
Is that so?Do people abuse your goodness or try to gain appreciation with something you don’t really want to give, namely your time and energy?
In any case, it is always an interaction.Your question, “How do I learn to say no?” is the good. You have not done it well in the past and it does not make sense to blame others for it (they abuse me, Snik, Snik, poor i). You did it, it was your way to find confirmation.
You’re sure to know nice, friendly, pleasant people who don’t have that kind of dramas.They do whatever it takes, they help so much they find themselves responsible and they don’t complain afterwards that they actually didn’t want to do that. Then you have the worst of two worlds: you have lost your time and energy and you have not recovered what you were looking for. You’ve invested, but you don’t think your investment will lead to a nice consideration and there’s a great chance you’ll get right in there too.
If you do something for another, that is the satisfaction it gives you: you have meant something for another.If you do it as a kind of barter, that is also best, but you can make it better from the outset.
Now practical.Just check out how others do. Learn some of those phrases from your head, which they use to keep the job done in a pleasant way.
- Gosh, is it not possible to do that yourself?
- Yes, it’s also a tough job.
- Yes, I think that is such a tedious work, I do only if it really can’t be any different.
- Yes, I’m too tight in time.
- I would like to think about it, but for the time being I am not going to admit it.
- If I look at what I would like to do, I really can’t.
- Well, I have to think about that first.
You also have nothing to do if it does not appear to be able to.
Nowhere do you see a ‘ no ‘ stand.That is not forbidden though, just say no, but if you find that difficult, you can usually get it down.
Don’t make it too heavy.If you are confronted with something that you really do not want, you can, for example, do the following (so my sister does that and most people find that a very nice woman, whatever she is):
You take a step backwards, you look at the person friendly smiling and you say, “Oh no, that’s nothing at all for me.I have no desire at all to hear “.
And if it’s something you didn’t have any problems with before, you can just explain it:
Yes, I have done so many times, I think that is enough, though.
Good luck.Practice makes perfect. If it doesn’t succeed right away, don’t blame others, but seek (professional) help to become more assertive.
I have followed an assertiveness training here.You could see if something similar is done near you by a social organization.
Remember anyway that everyone has the right to say no without giving any reason.It’s your limit, no one else has anything to do with it. By the way, it is in everyone’s interest that you indicate your boundaries. Otherwise, people do not know that they are going over it and that you are in trouble (time distress/stress).
The last thing I want to give you to put it into practice: think about what the worst thing is that can happen if you say no.Would that really happen or is you afraid of actually being unrealistic?
Cognitive behavioral therapy aimed at assertiveness or other forms of assertivity training seem to me most likely to succeed.
But maybe the following can also help a little:
Behavioral change is not easy, and your current behavior is now your dominant (predominant, quasi-automatic) behavior.This can only start extinguishing if you effectively start to set different behaviors (something that costs effort). If the new behavior is positively ratified (by yourself or environment), then the chances are that you will repeat this new behavior, and it can become your new dominant behavior over time.
It is important to change your behavior, and not necessarily first your thoughts.
If you get a question next time, try not to reply immediately if you can.Then take the time to remind yourself that you can and must say no.
If necessary, make a list of reasons for yourself to say no (not to find excuses to justify yourself to you no: that is not necessary).
Then take a few breaths, and pick up your courage first time to say ‘ no ‘.
Start with simple things.Or, find someone who knows you want to change your behavior, and then you can be your “sparring partner” and ask you things where you should learn to say “no”. This can be your partner or another trusted person.
But I would agree to speak with a behavioral scientist;-)