I have never written an answer anonymously, but Quora in Dutch is just a little easier to find for my family so I take it certain for the uncertain.
Each situation is of course different, but this sounds familiar to me in the ears.I never had a good relationship with my father. When I was small he worked night shifts, and during the day he slept. I almost never saw him, he was the ghost that slept in the attic and where we all had to be gentle and quiet. Dalijk awakens him!
When he found other work, this changed, but we were still strangers to each other.I loved reading it, but my father looked like a laziness and was able to criticize me strongly. I felt compelled to make me scarce when he was at home. Later, when I was a teenager, we had every day huge quarrels, which started out as the smallest things. It seemed like we could not have a normal conversation.
He never said a positive word about me, and all I did (and especially what I did wrong) he took as an attempt by me to taunting him personally.芒 鈧?艗you do this only because you are lazy, because you want to teach me a lesson 芒 鈧?when I was in the midst of depression. Well, I ended up taking my distance.
Later I heard things from my mother, about how my father grew up.No mother, and a peasant ole fart of a father who loved to put his children against each other, and see them compete for his affection. He was his whole childhood in constant competition with his siblings, and has never had a shred of affection. That did bring some perspective.
Finally, I talked about it with my psychologist, and he said something that I have thought about for a long time: if a situation becomes too tense, if it has a negative effect on your mental condition, then you have to walk away.You can no longer change him, if he has been 50, 60 years this person. Then those neurological pathways have been so deeply groined in his brain that he can no longer see things differently, give the reactions you want and need. Certainly not if he himself does not see the need to address it.
There you can get angry, and that was me too.It is not nice to discover that you must be the adult in your relationship with your parent, that they should be your support but that you find out that you have to protect yourself from them.
It’s not your fault.Chances are that your mothers posture is not determined by you personally, or at least not at all, but by things that played before you even came to watch. You can still change, make sure you don’t fall into the same traps, but they can’t, not if they don’t see it, not if they don’t want it.
Letting go is very difficult, it is normal to be angry, even years later.Perhaps you are finally far enough from it that you can think of it again, and you will find it all over again. Maybe others will say 芒 鈧?虄try it one more time, 芒 鈧劉 try to forgive her, rebuild a band. I think you know what is best for you, and if you think this will solve nothing, you should not do it. And if you do, know that you probably don’t get the notion and the inturn you might have hoped for.
I have no answers for you, I wish I had them.I try to understand my father and now I have more understanding for his circumstances, I have more peace with him. Sometimes it does not succeed, then I am still angry, that he had such an idiotic father and yet fell into the same behaviour. But yeah, he didn’t know any other way to be older.
Understanding was for me the best way to let go of my wrath, after years of distance.But I don’t know what your circumstances are and what would work for you. I just hope that you might take that of your mothers behavior not your fault and not your responsibility to change, and that it didn’t even go to you.
Hold on to the good things in your life and positive relationships and try to train yourself on something else to focus when the anger comes.Gardening helps for me, nice to wipe out weeds and finish it. Preferably with an audiobook in my ear, or a podcast, to think completely of nothing except to what comes directly into my ear and into my hands. Keep You tough!
Oh maid, there are so many wires running through each other… and I recognize them all.
I have kneeled both my parents out of my life.They are both back again, though, but the fracture has certainly been very good.
My mother was really short time, a year or so.We used that time both to get loose and I also got a letter from her saying she understood it, and that she was there for me whenever I wanted to. This makes it easy to contact her again.
I’ve thrown m芒 鈧劉 N dad out of my life when I was 23, so around that time.I have always had a lot of quarrel with him, a lot of struggle, little understanding, little nice attention. I then went to study, and he filled the papers about his income but not in which I could not get student funding, and there were so few things left. And I was beu. I had already broken the contact a few times before, but now it was very humane.
I have not seen or spoken to him for almost 18 years.He always stayed in my mind, just like what you have with your mother. That did not matter. It’s me too. Your parent should trust you, should love you and take care of you, and do not do so. Well Godver! It is completely normal to feel that way, and to feel anger even after years and years. Did you just let it down anyway? You just really don’t have anything to do with that parent? Surely that IS terrible? Especially when they have determined your life in a negative sense by their actions, and certainly when they reject it wholeheartedly. My father has never admitted that IE did not do well. Still never at all. The first time I saw him again, after those years of not, I have m芒 鈧劉 n courage together and said to him 芒 鈧?艗i have always been very afraid of you, 芒 鈧?and without glances or blushing, no even without a second reflection period , says IE 芒 鈧?艙well you can say many things about me, but that you had to be afraid of me being there is not one of them. 芒 鈧?I was able to send him right away again, I will tell you.
He has not changed anything.The only thing that is different now is that IE does say and shows that IE loves me. He understands little of me, does not want to know anything, does not want to talk about anything, and we do it then says IE still always the wrong, but I know he loves me.
Am I satisfied with this?Absolutely not. It really is a weird kind of tradeoff: what am I better off with? It does cost time and energy to deal with him, and I have to bite me regularly, and it’s still uncomfortable how badly he understands me and especially how little effort he does to lift that up. I know he can’t, but what do I do with it? What do I do about that?
So I think this should just be so when you have a parent who is rotten: there you just have a very uncomfortable rapport with it, whether you see that parent well or not.
I have accepted it: My father is so, I don’t like it, I can’t do anything with it, but it’s not bad enough to kick him out of M芒 鈧劉 n life, and well, he now shows that IE loves me.Ok then.
Reluctantly.Really not cordial acceptance on my part hear hahahaha.
Does that mean that you have not finished your mother?Nah, maybe not. Maybe it just means that a bad parent is pretty inexcusable, and that you may think you’re older really z芒 鈧劉 n or her whole life, and that you really may be angry about it all your life at bouts. I personally think then. I think it just doesn’t always solve it. And that’s sucks, because yes, YOU’re just beautiful with it. But not everything is soluble, not everything is understandable, and not everything is forgivable.
Perhaps that is the best we can: accepting that it is so and accepting that it will be difficult for us to fall.
Haha.Underlying anger towards parents. Thanks for this question: I am specialist in this. I’ve been really super long evil on both parents. I was a child! How could you beat me in God’s name, abuse emotionally and psychotically, draw my sister, let her all do things and not me? Because my parents misbehaved, I was going to do that too.
As of that I was 8 I was actually at war with both my parents.That ran out of the claws when I went drugging on my 14th. Adolescent brain hormones plus drugs with parents who were rather bad in healthy guiding a teenager. As a result I experienced so much resentment towards them. It was a matter of time before that went wrong. I felt completely in my right when I stole money to get weed. Me ma her gold jewelry to be goods for weed.
They had abused me anyway, I thought: you beat me, you made me ridiculous, you were tripped me. Little sister got everything.I got less than her. You are dishonest, get tasty the typhus. In that style. I was quite intelligent but with that intelligence came uncertainty. Take that because my parents raised me up at home, I was socially not really strong and I was bullied at elementary school.
The joke is that because I was smart, I thought I was smarter than my parents.Sometime I am that too. At least for the psychedelics I was very cunning. Lying and the cheating I found not difficult. I had little trouble doing that, even with the people who gave me. I stated that with: Yes, I have all those things you have or had never had. I deserve it, so I grab it from you
You can’t prove that I was.At one point, that was scary: I could let people do what I wanted. Teen with emotional problems that used quite a few drugs and earned money with light up and drug sales. So I was a little soci Opaatje in the cap I felt justified because I had pain and too short.
All that crap stacks up, all those emotions are stuck in that body of your own. As long as you cannot let go of that, you will suffer.Unconsciously you repeat all those dramatjes again and again. Most important is forgive yourself I did not know better. I was fill in angry sad ect.
I did that because I heard seen beloved I know a lot what wanted to be.Most important is the envy of the emotions that you felt the thought patterns that caused those emotions and then try to release them. Through you go out screaming in the woods when no one is going to cry make a painting a poem go sports.
Well okay if you understand why you behaved so you can also let go of those skills on others.My mother behaved so because fill in she did not have a better stressful work her parents were cunt. Thing is dits very hard for people accepting that it happened from okay it’s sucks people are untie teringers.
Tis difficult to keep people accountable for behaviors that are completely run their eige unconscious aches and pains and negative thoughts patrons.They do not notice that they are opposing you because yes they also do things from their flaws. What you do with this is your business.
Was the behavior so damaging and they have not learned in the past few years forgive and break the contact.Forgive can only after you have left those underlying emotions loose. You say you are angry at your ma but you are actually sad about what they have done to you. You feel joked in you are dats cunt. Solution love to use yourself logic.
Understand why you behave as you behave where this emotion comes from I have felt this emotion before.Is this from now or is this of a similar situation in the past. Is it quite anger it is not something else. It Is not grief because people have dealt with me so sloppy. Same money for your thoughts these are my thoughts or is this dredge from other what I have heard.
How do you talk to your self in mind is that the negative crap that other say to you or is that a friendly helpful understanding voice.What helps is visualizing anyone who has done something to you, yes give you a rose in mind. I don’t have to bear your damn with me because it’s your damn. That you find me a sucker I know a lot what is fine does not excites me what is cunt is that that energy of those thoughts gives me problems so take that energy back and go there some useful things with it. What can also help is that rose to explode in fireworks.
So imagine taking OLE reinsertion young you your mom does something lovers.You grab that picture in mind feel how you felt at that time. You grab that image that is in a rose with your own crap with your mother’s hair and you make fireworks from it. That could redistribute the energy that is stuck in that reinsertion so that you can do some useful things with it. And always send the contribution of its energy back afterwards. Send that after the sun the Earth imagine that your mother has an angel I know a lot be creative as long as that of her goes after her again. If you unload that reinsertion you will suffer less.
Thank you so much Mrs Wong for improving my super bad Dutch.
The realization I had a year or 20 ago was that I only hurt myself with maintaining painful memories.
The people who hurt me were not present and probably all doing nice things and I felt miserable.In short: I was busy hurting myself.
This realization was sufficient for me to turn my mind on, because they were not the problem, but I myself.And I have much more influence over myself as on others.
But it was not easy to get to this point, success!
I am not now in a way to tell my whole story, but I can tell you how I have finally dealt with it.
First of all.I suspect that the actual anger and sadness and everything, is always tucked away and now possible to come out.
I have had a lot to a therapist who worked with family setups.Where you are using dolls or colored skins or something similar, your family after mimics and the interdynamics come up, largely from being subconscious.
That’s why I understood why everything has gone as it went.
In addition, they have told me that I should loose my mother’s role.Because as a mother she failed, from my 11th I was already further developed that I became a parentified child.
Now I see my mother as the woman she is, not as the mother I need.I found that mother in myself, the love I feel for my child, I also project on myself and my inner child. The child which always came too short and which I will cherish now until she feels loved again. My mother is now just the woman she is, without mother role to me. And hell, since I no longer desire her as a mother, I really don’t like her.
Very tricky question.I’m not talking with my father for years. Also with the necessary reasons. I am very angry with him, but that does not keep me busy, I live my own life and he has no role there. He has wronged many people and being angry at him is not difficult for me.
Only since he is from my life do I feel like I can be myself, that I dare to be myself.I have always had fear for him with some sort of misplaced 芒 鈧?艙dwongen芒 鈧?respect. I have peace with my anger for him, it does not keep me busy. I’m done with him, it reminds me that you may not have finished your own mother.
If you are angry, it means that you are still giving her.That’s not crazy and you don’t have to be ashamed of it or feel guilty about it. Even though there is a lot of it so there is no contact. It still always remains your mother. Whatever the reasons, find a way to start a conversation. Stopping emotions is not going to help and with time it is growing into deluge of emotions. If you then enter into a conversation then all those emotions will come loose, so the other is overwhelmed. It is often that one waits too long to say that it is too late and the message can no longer be said to the other. Even if you don’t feel like an appointment, put it on paper to write it off. And share your feelings with others close to knowing the situation.
Fellow here, the emotions about my past are also often bubbling up and I have quite barely contacted my family, I too have my reasons for that.
My parents are now in my FB, luckily they are not so active but when I see their comments curls my toes and often I stand on the verge of choosing them out.
I sometimes wonder if you ever get completely detached from it, the remaining of those vague things, blood ties and stuff.And in the Netherlands we are often raised in some sort of 芒 鈧?艙debt-Culture芒 鈧? I at least do, because I lived on the Bible Belt. So it gnaws sometimes.
Letting Go was a decision I didn’t have taken lightly.Forgiving was part of it. One day I wrote them a letter, with all the emotions, anger, sadness, pain, lies, and a few months I wrote a letter that I could forgive them. I never sent both letters. They were more for myself, to get it in one row. After that 芒 鈧?虄forgiveness-Brief芒 鈧劉 I have torn them both and discarded them.
When it pops up again, what it does so occasionally, I have a ritual: I visualize a circle, invite my father, mother or brother in that circle.Greet them, and say: I give you back what I have taken of you, and take back what you have taken of me (and that may be peace of mind) and then I send them away from that circle and breathe out and release it.
It sounds a little floligent when I write it down, but for me it works.The phrase as it is built makes me realise da there is also a side to their story that deviates from mine. And that they should also have grief on all of this in their very own (idiotic and intolerable) manner.
And that gives some sort of balance.And then it is a matter of iron self-discipline. Just like with love sadness: distract yourself and force it to think of something else when it comes to your mind.
A gum decision someone no longer shows in life, is also a mourning process.Don’t forget that. And be gentle about yourself and the decision you took. You have chosen positivism and progress, and that is very brave decision and a very powerful one. You can also use that power for years thereafter.
Enne, it becomes less, with the years.You get milder and it gets easier.
I can’t talk to my mother anymore, because she’s not there anymore.Only now do I understand that talking to someone is not only valuable when it is mutually emotional and intellectually enriching. Whoever finds that, claims far too high demands and does not make themselves and others deficient. It is like treasure digging under the condition that you only proceed if you find the most exquisite diamonds in the shortest.
Actually only after her death I understood that I have been particularly angry with her for a very long time.But it was her well-meant urge to protect that kept me away from the world and sadded me with an unhealthy big suspicion that made me little friendships and barely allowed people to my world. No matter how a mother is, most of what she does with and for you is out of love.
That it often turns out so strange, incomprehensible and destructive, it could not foresee.It’s up to you to make some of it anyway. And talk to her now it still can. Like me, there are so many who would love to talk to their parents again. But that cannot be because they are no longer among us. Almost everyone gets regret afterwards, not having seized the opportunity when it still could.