I’ve ever joined a very special Facebook group.The goal was unconditional support, no matter what you are reading. If you can’t say anything nice, then just be silent. Even though you find this person terrible and his situation own fault etc. If the moderator thinks you are judging, then you are banned for good.
Well that was very tricky at first.With time it became easier, but in the meantime I learned to know myself better. Which subjects or people usually trigger me? Why does that happen? If it is not about extreme cases, what I find no more than logical to condemn, why am I tempted to condemn? What was it that was so influenced and shaped by me? Why bother me?
When I asked these questions to myself, I found out that it was up to my own perfectionism, and my own tendency to go out in all situations of the worst scenario and the habit of asking myself questions about what I did to prevent this from occurring.
That has helped me tremendously to be a) not unnecessarily strict for myself, and b) to leave the others in their value, and C) show more empathy.Good luck!
Judges condemn people.When do they do that? When all evidence and proof of proof have been viewed in order to be able to reach an opinion.
Do you know all the evidence when you hear someone just talking or seeing walking?
Impossible.For that reason, condemning does not make sense at all, plus you realise when you do that you are especially concerned with completing.
And why do you do that?Afraid of empties? Should everything be correct?
How would you find the other way around if people were to deal with you in that manner.’ But you don’t know me at all! ‘ you would say. ‘ I know your kind. I do know how that goes! ‘ would someone then suggest. I-i-I-I and again I do.
That I have of yours, has in the story of another nothing at all to seek.
Your experience, your thoughts, your life.All of you, no one has anything to say about it? Why are you? 😉
The answer is perspective.
Had this tree (from an internet meme picked) been a person, then I think the comment had sounded about so:
“You have to see that lazy tree.
All the time. Only let one side flourish. Why can’t ie just do it normally? Note, you will see, soon IE wants to compliment the performance too! “
These judgments take place because we have often learned to look at things, with a judgmental gaze.The good news is that you can change this perspective. A new perspective that still holds prejudice, but stops there.A perspective that looks for connection.A perspective that assumes that behind our judgments and thoughts, feelings and needs are hidden, which we share with all people.Feelings and needs that give access to a world away from the competition and judgement, away from the violence, away from right or wrong.
A world in which someone who “likes to stand out” may feel sad or uncertain because IE needs security, seen or heard,…
Where someone who “does aggressively” may feel very frustrated and confused, desperate and lost, because IE needs connection or care, freedom, authenticity.
A world in which you will also find that the world around you has an influence on yourself (much more than we are often aware of) and that looking for what that does with you, also gives access to a whole range of new options of responding , interact, or communicate.
For example, if you find yourself often angry with ambiguity, you can see that it helps to ask for clarification in the place of someone to blame for being unclear.That you can ask for more explanation if you are frustrated before you shut the door by condemning someone like “paler”, “stupid” or “retarded”.
Source: Age of absurdity
What helped me to come to these insights is non-violent-also called connecting-communication.
Non-violent communication wants to bet on the search for connection.With yourself and with the other. To choose how you want to (re) agitate. Do you want to listen empathically, do you want to express yourself or do you still have no view on what is going on and do you have to dig a little further?
I often compare it with phone calls.
There is no exchange (with yourself or the other) possible without connection and yet we often forget to check if that connection is at all.
If you are not “in the right place”, connection can be very difficult or impossible.
This equation should make it clear that if your intent is not clear -in the right place -or constructive, we cannot expect to reach anyone, let alone motivate them to bouge.
… and check again…
If you press the wrong keys, it becomes difficult to reach the right person
If we push in more delicate places in people or forget which code gives access to openness and willingness, it should not be surprising that the necessary connection is not achieved and the message therefore never arrives.
If your dignity is to be respected in order to cooperate constructively, how do we best deal with the dignity of “the other”?
… and re-check
If you speak the “wrong” language, the connection is also often quickly disconnected
In a phone call it is quite quick to clear when the connection is dropped.
In Other cases it is often less clear and people are actually talking or even calling against a wall without realizing it.
Unfortunately there is no bend that you can cut off to achieve this quickly.
It is also not a guarantee on connection. You cannot force the connection. It is also no guarantee that people will never judge you as judging (you don’t have everything in hand). However, the chances of it being dropped again will decrease drastically.
You will have to look for the beliefs and ways that are needed to make you own this other perspective.You will have to convince yourself of the fact that your judgement is often not “the truth”. That want to win-be right, often pointless if you want to achieve something.
How do you start?
Read a book, follow a course, talk to people, watch a video…
If you are the English Mighty, the video below is worth gold, an introductory course of the founder of Nonviolent Communication-Marshall Rosenberg:
There is also the book: “Nonviolent Communication” (or in Dutch: “Non-violent Communciation”) by Marshall Rosenberg, but there are obviously many more.I think then “Stop being nice” from Thomas D’asembourgh and “Connecting communication Works” from Erwin Tielemans.
Here’s a very concise summary: What is non-violent communication?-Blabla-on the website of an organisation where I myself followed a number of trainings.
Search Facebook for groups around GWC-NVC
Give a scream in the comments.
Source: Age of absurdity