Our childhood and education affect all relationships, for better or for worse.
As babies and small children, we are completely dependent on our parents or other adults.We need them so that we have a roof over our heads, to get to eat, and because we need physical warmth. During this time, so-called Survival pattern. We behave one way or the other, so that we continue to have a roof over our heads, get food and be taken in our arms. This takes place in the children’s self. Then we get older, and slowly our adult self develops. But this adult-i-i sometimes doesn’t really come to the train, because a) the child-self is still there, and b) the parent-self constantly interferes. A bit of background information can be found here: Soft Skills from A-Z and the Softskills Cube by André Moritz | Transaction analysis explained | Parent-I, Adult-I, Child-I
Elsewhere, I have recommended Petra Bock’s books.They include many examples on the subject: Dr.Petra Bock | MINDFUCK – Why we are sabotaging ourselves and what we can do about it.Petra Bock explains how we find out which of the three smes is at the start, how we classify our counterpart (i.e. what role we assign to him without even being aware of our counterpart) and how we can remedy it.
The word “self-sabotage” already suggests that things can go wrong.Things go wrong when, as an adult, you suddenly feel like a four-year-old child in conversation with your boss or friend – without you realizing that you feel like a four-year-old. You’re just angry or feeling “small” and not equal or helpless , whatever. And this can be the emerging child-self that has crept into the situation, perhaps because the behavior of a certain person has “triggered” something or a certain situation has arisen, which one knows “from the very past” and with which one does not learned how to deal with an adult.
EXKURS: The three actors from the transaction analysis are supplemented by many more inner characters when working with the “Inner Team” method.Friedemann Schulz von Thun developed it: Inner Team.The different voices with their different needs, which lie dormant in all of us, and which all want to be heard. 🙂
In his book “The Run of Love”, Alain de Botton used the case study of a couple to describe very vividly how experiences in childhood can affect a (couple) relationship.The book can be found one way or the other, but there is definitely a good impression of what is happening in a couple (each) inside. Novel: Amazon.de: Alain de Botton, Barbara Frfr.by Bechtolsheim: Books
Then there is a special literary direction, which deals with war children and grandchildren.Sabine Bode War Consequences, Wibke Bruhns Wibke Bruhns: My Father’s Land.History of a German family, Bettina Alberti https://www.randomhouse.de/lesep… and others have dealt with how the (mostly untold) family history affects the offspring.Like so-called Shadow traumas arise and what a childhood marked by war, fear, poverty and loss does not only with the people who have experienced all this, but also with their descendants – the first and second generation.