Once emotional intensive care unit, rehab and homecoming.(Or: the healing process of a plus pole with toxic self-content after an outbreak from a highly toxic compound to a minus pole (NPS))
You wake up.Feeling you lie in a hospital bed. Around you sterile cool. You don’t really know where you are, but you remember: there was an impact. Maybe it was a fall or a carjacking. anyway…. it was bad, had cracked neatly and now, you know, it’s over. At least almost. But everything in you feels dull. Also the pain you feel. Where does he actually sit? You can’t find it. You feel weak, tired and somehow sedated. Everything hurts. A look out of the window reveals to you outside is spring. Actually you love the summer or the winter, but you don’t care that the window has only spring to offer you at the moment. You just register it and think “Wow! Didn’t even notice that it was spring.” You won’t grasp any other thought today, because you’re going to sleep. Long and deep. Sleep will do you good and give you new strength peu peu. At the moment it is enough if you just rest and breathe. And you give yourself to that.
Your body is recovering and if you look out the window now, looking at spring, you will look forward to the summer that will follow it.Yes, summer will come. That much is certain. Of course, it will take some time, but you will have that patience. Anyway, you can’t rush out the door at the moment, wander ingenuate through beer gardens and the thought of “just” wearing a bikini makes you froze. Clearly, you’ll have your hot water bottle and a cup of tea, and it’s enough to follow the gentle rhythm of your breath. You are satisfied with so little. (Okay maybe a piece of apple pie wouldn’t be bad, because appetite is spreading so slowly.) Nevertheless, this satisfaction feels good at first. The pain has subsided a bit, but with a wrong movement it tweaks and sometimes tweaks enormously. “That’s just the way it is now,” you tell yourself.
Soon you will be allowed to get out of bed and dress up.At this time, clothing is useful for you. It doesn’t have to be pretty, but it’s definitely comfortable. And so you will soon put the first shaky steps at the door of your “hospital room”. In the “common room of your station” you will meet others like you. Dressed in bathrobes, warm socks and clinging to hot water bottles, many of them have already taken a warm, cleansing bath. Oh! You would like to do that too, but first the associations have to leave. So then…. you are ready. One bandage after another will be taken from you. Sometimes it zips and among some the scars of the impact become visible. You look at every single one thoughtfully and you know they are now a part of you. They will stay. Sometimes more and sometimes less visible, but you tell yourself: “That’s just the way it is now.”
The people in the “common room” do not seem very lively.Rather agitated, some of them very dormant. They all read banished in books and your curiosity is aroused. “Here, look!” says one of them, asking you to take a look at her reading. It doesn’t stop at one glance. No, you devour this book and then another, and another one, and one more. In the meantime, you are asleep, because – as it seems to you – you wouldn’t have done that for months.
One of the books tells you how to learn to walk again.Another as you learn to eat again. The next one describes how you learn to meditate and that will tell you a beautiful story. Verses, poems, wisdoms…. you read and read as if you had never held a book in your hands in your entire life.
Some of the books you will take home.You put them on your bookshelf, which now resembles an altar since your return. Saying cards and all sorts of little things that helped you as you made your recovery are lined with your books. This shelf has become your most valuable possession at this time. “Maybe I’ll meet someone who also had an impact…” you think, “… and then I will willingly share my treasure.”
Soon you will swap your comfortable clothes for those that underline your beauty.A scarf matching the eye color…. you will suddenly find joy again at dressing. You look at yourself contentedly, your breathing is always present. It supplies each of your cells with oxygen. How to enjoy it. Oxygen, how beautiful! Windows on and more of it please! And really ventilate here at home. Actually sometimes clean up and what is that?!? Unfinished business piles up on your desk. Correspondence…. opened as closed, post-it it for anything you wanted to do. You don’t want to see the OPL of your job. A brief moment of dismay…. but good…. it goes on and it was one by one. “That’s just the way it is now,” you tell yourself.
Now you’ll call some of your friends and say, “I’m back.”
Some will immediately set out to join you.You will come and heart. You reached them immediately, as well as before the impact and your absence. You will tell them about it and show your books. A few weeks. No, it’s not too much for them and yet you may leave out a few details. certain! Especially close friends you will show the remaining scars and they will carefully swipe over it, smile and say: “Come! Outside, summer is laughing!”
You may not reach other of your friends.Maybe they’ll have a new number and you’ll say to yourself, “That’s just the way it is now.”
With the friends you have reached, you will enjoy the summer.Or alone. That’s not a problem for you. Of course…. in case of a wrong movement, the scars still tweak. In some places there are also wounds which are covered only with a layer of scab. These are especially important to protect and therefore you will avoid some very specific of your “joy” very straight. But you feel not only your scars and wounds, but also the sand under your feet and the sun warmth on your skin. superb! But above all, you feel yourself and you know that there are both now. You and those scars and you’ll say to yourself, “That’s just the way it is now. And actually it’s a good thing, because these scars have taught me to feel me.”
– Cancellation/exit of the toxic compound (even if it hurts.)
– Build up physical strength (eat, sleep, repeat)
– Build mental forces (Therefore urgently no contact to all toxins requires to have your own discipline under control.)
– Then individual healing process.(Although the above points are already the prelude.) With refurbishment of the connection, if necessary. Funeral work, inner work….. leads to the confrontation of own shares. At the latest here it becomes clear whether a huge barrel is open or not.
The individual healing process can vary greatly in depth, duration, theme and intensity.(Depending on the existing own shares and – if any – whether the slander of theirs is broken up or not.) Not only did I want to get back on my feet, but I could stand on them forever and I looked at “everything”. I became my best friend and my loving partner in this process. I became my mother and my father. I became my psychologist, my personal coach and my Buddhist teacher. I became the person I’ve always been looking for in another person. Namely me. In this respect, I could not describe my healing process in its entirety. Could not name or reproduce its order or structure at all. He resembled a personal inventory that had washed itself. He made his way like a caterpillar through everything that affected me in any way. Eat through my whole life so far, my presence and also looked at my future with appetite. Eventually he was suddenly full, satisfied and “finished”. It feels like being a butterfly.
At some point in the healing process, it was about my counterpart.I will never be able to justify/approve his behaviour, but it was important to understand this. Then it was all about ME. To me, to me, to me. In many ways. In the end, it was me who watched everything go out of control, how contacts turned away, because they could no longer hear the permanent theme “this one connection”, or because it was no longer fun to be with me, because everything was all about Him. It was I who did not maintain the blockages against him, which went back again and again and which, on the one hand, was treated so “miserably”, but on the other hand could also be treated in this way. It was I who took part in endless discussions that I think today, “My goodness, what have I actually been talking about?!?” I could have gone at any time (?) yes!!! As a mature and self-loving adult, I would have GENAU THE DONE. Before I ended up in the emotional intensive care unit.
Staying/returning is not just a perpid dependency.This is just ONE piece of the puzzle in this whole construct, which you have to understand in its entirety. Only then will we be able to act at all. Healing begins with understanding. This requires, above all, clarification about the many different pieces of the puzzle that lead to dysfunctional connections and a radical acceptance towards oneself.
Despite the healing process, I will always remain a plus pole.The Enlightenment, however, helps me to recognize “red flags” quickly and to control my own behavior. I will now be a “healthy” plus pole. I will also continue to be “empathetic”, but I will be able to empathize not only for others, but primarily for me.
Despite all the hardships, I look back gratefully and know that I had to get to know these people in order to get to know Me.(Doesn’t mean I want him back in my life. There is a clear separation.) Whether it was really necessary for him to scare me through a mirror cabinet with a diabolical trident…. I don’t know. What counts for me is that I have found the exit.