How do you deal with each other as women who have a child with a narcissist and live separately, and how does he deal with the children?

Welcome to the dilemma!No helpful answers so far… Somehow significant. As intense as the subject of narcissism is blubbered here on Quora, all the experts remain silent. This is a damn difficult subject, where the standard answer: breaking up contact, licking wounds and carrying on does not really draw.

Had already in the answer to this question already with something … Reaction calculated:

How do I prevent my child from becoming a narcissist if my separated partner is one?

Tjaaa, difficult, as I said.And even after more than ten years, which have already passed since our separation, there is always fuel, eigtl. whenever you thought it would be slow…

It is aggravating that the narcissist, his diagnosis, never accepted and simply kept going.Narcissistic personality disorder, what a shit that comes up when the day is long, all these psychobrabblers. Have no idea anyway… If I’m broken at all, it’s because of you, you old… You broke everything for me, it’s your fault that everything goes down the creek and then immediately and when it comes to the end, then again from the beginning…

Our separation was really violent and very traumatizing for everyone involved.During this time, he has not missed an opportunity to instrumentalize the child, to play it against me and, of course, to blame all the problems that have arisen from it and to cite it as proof of my inadequacy. Of course, he kept away from the whole sch… that resulted from this, but demanded contact with his son again and again. If the child worked nicely and played along well, everything was cream – but woe betide if he dared to cheer up. Then the child was put in the taxi at midnight and sent back with the announcement that it could come back if his mother had taught him to behave. When Kind played along, Dad turned up, played the Superpapa, organized the program, put up material (but of course never, without making it quite clear that he had to do it, because I couldn’t offer anything to the child…)

Since, as I said, he never accepted his diagnosis, it was of course extremely difficult for me to express my concerns about regular contact in any way, without being suspected of being just another of those fighting mamas, the poor , disenfranchised and forced into poverty by the maintenance of the father now also want to deprive their own child.

I do not want to digress in anecdotes, but at least try to do something about it … helpful to say.But what can you help someone who is supposed to dance on eggs to say, except: be damn careful? And put on yourself a really thick coat, because one thing is already certain: however you do it, somehow it is always wrong. You will not get through this mud hole without getting dirty yourself… Or, to stick to the picture with the eggs: think about what you want to make of the broken eggs.

The child and I were best at the stages where the contact with the ex was actually limited to practical arrangements and exchange of information via e-mail, sms or What’s App.Phone calls of all kinds could and can very quickly become very funny and meetings at handovers etc again and again to trauma theater. I can see it to my boy when his father preached to him by phone…

Encouraged by pedagogical family support, we tried for a while to “normalize” the contact and it was generally praised and welcomed that we seemed to have almost arrived at a friendly level again.This even went so far that we spent the holidays together with him… But that also backfired completely, it only led to him being able to pull many strings again and let the dolls dance.

Today I sometimes wish I had the clarity and the strength to follow my feelings and to stop contact with the father, to grab the child and to go very far away…

But that is very much at odds with the child’s right to both parents.Since we have joint custody, there is also a right of access (both of which should be read in the compulsory version) and no one, really no one would have supported me in this decision at the time. Neither educators, teachers, social educators, therapists nor friends and family. On the contrary, it has been repeatedly pointed out how important it is to deal with the father regularly and how commendable the efforts to “drive a common line”.

Today I can say that this was completely wasted energy.This common line will never exist, because our attitudes towards our common child are too different. The Father, for example, was so deeply offended by the fact that, despite quite an intelligence, Son only got a high school diploma that he was too embarrassed to attend the graduation ceremony.

Any conclusion would be nice now, no?Unfortunately, I can’t deliver. Our egg dance in the mud hole continues. But children become people. Our son is now 17 and a few weeks ago I spoke to him for the first time about “what is actually wrong with his father” (his question), and I clearly warned him about what could happen if he handled his knowledge carelessly. He was so relieved that I really blame myself for not having done so much earlier. Above all, he was reassured that I know pretty well how his father ticks and what he wants to cheer him on and that he doesn’t imagine that his father would like to serve him like a puppet. It has led him to dare to tell him for the first time that he really does not want to visit him during the Easter holidays. Two days later Dad did not transfer any maintenance, nor did he pay the month for the month – and then, in a careful question, he announced that he had collapsed and would be hospitalized in a few days…

And we’re not even surprised…

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