How do I stop falling in love, from childhood onwards, on my 15 year old aunt (who is happily married and has no idea at all)? I am deeply ashamed of it, but I have no idea what I can do about it.

You don’t have to be ashamed.You do not choose your feelings. Apparently, your aunt has something that appeals to you enormously.

However, I can very well imagine that it is very difficult. And if we find people harassing something, we prefer that that thing disappears altogether.But we can learn to live with uncomfortable feelings like this. We can learn that it is not bad at all to be uncomfortable. It is uncomfortable, sure, but it is not a disaster to be uncomfortable.

I had a crush for years, while I was also married, and she was perfectly straight, on a woman on my choir.Well. Uncomfortable indeed. But yes. I kept that crush, and I wanted to keep singing. So yes, then that crush but accepted. Nothing to do. Not too often try to look (she got it at some point though, because I looked too often haha), and especially don’t think too much about it. I had a crush, and that was that.

I am afraid that we have no control over our feelings, and that you will not be able to stop having these feelings.But you can learn to attach less importance AND pay less attention to it. And you can certainly learn not to give yourself on your head, because that is also to give attention to this issue.

Well, that shame is not necessary.We do not have in hand what attracts us in other people and also not to whom we fall in love.

We do have in hand what we do with our feelings and how we deal with impulses.Not only do you know, you have mastered you for years and think about the consequences of yielding to that impulse and what the dilemmas are for which you see placed.

An impossible love can sustain itself and strengthen itself precisely through the taboo.You have the feeling that you cannot talk about it, the attraction is not tested, as in a (love) relationship. The ideal image that belongs to the beginning of a romantic love remains in this position and anchors itself.

How to stop that.

When it comes to mastering your life, so much that it hampers you in social contacts inside or outside the family or in training or work, you have to express it.Not against the aunt himself or against another family member, but with a caregiver who has confidentiality obligations. In that sense, it is a bit similar to a Catholic priest who must be celibate and who are overtaken by his position and within his social environment are unwelcome desires.

If it’s not all that bad, you can try some things.

Try to build a life elsewhere by finding your work or training further away and moving to another part of the country.

Find social contacts with peers in sports or hobby activities in groups.

If that is what you are, meditation or yoga, where you are not fixating on your problem, is an option.

Finally, I speak a little from my own experience.When I was a year or 12, I was overwhelmed by what I would call Kalver love now, but what I didn’t recognise as what kind of attraction as well. A younger sister of my mother, who was only a year or seven older than me, got dating with a student of 18. He was my ideal, I wanted his attention and I had childish ways to pull that, including him throwing wet in the pool. Much later, I only understood that for adults with a little insight into people, that behavior was quite simple to indicate. I was too young and inexperienced to give myself an attitude. So you all have it on the teenager I was then.

I can tell you the story of my sister.

For decades my aunt was with a man who was an uncle for us.For example, he took part in the family holidays, he was with birthdays and Christmas, and we could find it all four good with him (me and my Three sisters). But the relationship between him and my aunt ran out of piece. One of my sisters still saw him regularly, apparently she did not just go to him for the coffee. They care (about) 20 years, they have a treasure of a daughter together (second is coming!) and what I mainly see is happiness.

I don’t want to say that you have to wait for your chance, but you don’t really have to be ashamed of it.Love does not stick to social norms, and I would say that as romantic it says one and the society is the other, the mistake lies with the society rather (with exceptions). And you can’t do anything about it, in the fifties they tried to think up a bit against homosexuality, but the healing went painfully and regularly ran out of suicide (Alan Turing was the victim of this social dogmatism). People have to undergo love.

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