It was more than a disappointment.
A year or 2 ago, my then girlfriend ended our relationship, and I was devastated.
I’ve been sad for weeks and started feeling really unhappy.
A good friend of mine, told me she had studied psychology, and saw that I was very difficult with the end of that relationship, and told me she wanted to help me with psychotherapy to get over my grief.
I thought about it for a while, and came to the conclusion that I should be quite sad… But why did I feel unhappy?
There is a big difference between these two feelings.
Sadness comes from your heart.You lost something, something you had, something you loved. This may have been an object or an animal or a person, but the point is, that which you loved is now gone. That which you loved had a place in your heart, and that spot is now empty. That which was sitting is torn away from your life. And that tear away leaves a wound, and that wound hurts. Pain to your heart. That is grief.
As long as you are sad, you are healing.The hole grows again close with the love you can feel for other people and things, and eventually you feel the sadness still, but it is okay. Your life is changing. Grief is dynamic, it changes, always continues to grow or shrink, but never stands still. In the beginning, if you don’t really feel what you have lost, it can still be small, and then it grows over the days or weeks if you are reminded of your loss again and again, and after a while you are going to fill the gaps with other things and then your grief shrinks Again, and finally it’s OK.
Unhappiness does not change.It does not come from your heart, it does not arise because of something that you have lost, it arises through something that is not right in yourself. You are incomplete in one way or another. You feel rotten, you usually can’t or hardly cry about it, you don’t seek contact with others to help you with the feeling because there is no consolation for misfortune.
So I decided to follow her advice and follow her psychotherapy.
In the year and a half, I regularly, probably on average between 1 and 2 times a week, went to her for sessions from 1 to 1.5 hours to work on myself.
This has probably been the best choice of my life.
Now I find happiness no longer in a loving relationship with others, but in myself.I can be completely happy to myself, alone, and without help.
I started living in Japan because I wanted to.I started a relationship with a Japanese woman, not because she makes me happy, but because we can be happy together very well.
I now make the choices for myself, for me and me alone, because I am the most important person in my life.And of course I would move heaven and earth for the people I love, but in the end I am the center of my world. Of course I would never hurt anyone to get what I want, because nobody deserved it to be deliberately hurt, but I don’t go over my borders anymore to help people. I used to do that regularly, and it broke me, but I did it, because I could only be happy with other people and by other people. I hated sharing myself; I hated being angry at people, I hated my own weaknesses and weaknesses, I hated my procrastination… I never cared about myself. I did not like myself.
Now I do it.
I loved… No.I love my ex-girlfriend very much.We have been on holiday together for a week, we have experienced a great deal, she has always been honest and devoted, and has made it because her feelings had changed to me. No quarrel, no breach of trust, no cheating… My ex-girlfriend is a special and fine person and I still love her as much as I did 2 years ago.
And because she has left me, I have been able to learn to love myself too.
For instance, I have turned one of the most painful disappointments out of my life, after a year and a half hard work, into one of the best constructive experiences ever.