There is no best way, no prescription, to deal with your grief and loss.
Because mourning goes into phases and how they alternate, is different for everyone.
Let me say right away, that I am not so good at it.I was tempted not to talk about it, to stop the sadness and the feeling of solitude away. To try not to think about it.
I never lost a child or life partner, so the worst is yet to come.My father died, but he was old, had a long and complete life, and for him death was a remission of pain and loneliness in the nursing home where he had been brought to die. Against his sentence and when he could no longer defend himself. Taken away from his own house and from his wife with whom he had lived together for more than fifty years.
Other people have died, whom I have loved, with whom I have shared a piece of my life, with whom I have travelled, slept in one bed, which I have physically cared for in sickness, who have known and cared for me in sickness and weakness.Who made me laugh and cry.
One time, when a boy had died, which I had known and helped one and a half years, which I had ever seen become more sicker, who had lost power over his legs, which had become almost blind, with whom I had ended hospital after hospital, whose hair was thin And who finally died and totally weakened, I have missed him in the months after his death, that I would call him to his house.I knew he was dead, I knew he couldn’t record, but the idea that there was a phone number that always called his voice, even if he wasn’t there, had apparently stuck in my head. It came unexpectedly. I walked across the station in Utrecht and saw in a flash his mind and shoulders in the crowd for me. And immediately I knew he couldn’t be. People who are dead do not walk over stations, people who have seen you and dying, do not just suddenly regain their health, their attractive appearance and life force. The late eighties. No one had a cell phone and on drives stood batteries public phones. And I called to his house, the phone went over, I had the unrealistic hope that I would hear his voice, but someone else took on and I knew nothing to say. I quickly broke the connection and went to drink coffee where we often had drunk with our two coffees. And I missed him, and a tear was in my eyes when he realised that he had disappeared from my life forever.
It had been a kind of closure, a weird little ritual to accept the loss and it had worked.
Writing down your story, shouting your grief, retiring yourself for a week in bed, washing your tears away, it’s all ways to deal with your loss.Nothing helps but you need to continue and you know it can, but not how. A sweet face, a familiar voice, a unique fragrance, it’s all gone for good. Sometimes someone, sometimes gives Quora, gives you 17 years after a loss the chance to experience it again and with every time again, it wears something.
Wow, thanks for the question to answer.
Dealing with mourning is very personal.But from experience it is important to be honest. Especially against yourself.
- In the beginning it is (often) insubstantial.
Accept that. You are in a situation where you miss something that never comes back.
That too is fair, that may, the pain, emotionally, mentally and physically, MAG. That’s yours. But you also have to be honest: yours, don’t make your pain that of another. Cry, scream, crawl into bed and stay a week in fetal posture, eat only unhealthy things, write poems or draw your emotions out. No one, but no one, should you ever deny or refuse to do so. As long as you do not damage someone else or encumbered it.
Who are you, who was the one who is no longer there. How have you influenced each other and what do you do with that which the other has given you during his/her life. Honestly it takes the longest. Step by step time goes on. Step by step you should also go further. Change the loss that hurts in something that can help others. Or take your space and do those things you had it together during life, with in mind that you do this for each other, because the other is no longer there.
A loss gives you (if you accept it) actually always a changed perspective.It shows you that some things that you thought important were suddenly no longer so important (or vice versa, things you never thought important, of which you suddenly realize that they are very important), do not feel burdened, but make something positive of it. Loss is already negative in itself. To bring only something negative, the loss is not actually a loss of another, but of yourself.
All those people who want to make you feel more cheerful, let them go their way.They mean it well and they mean it sweet. But it is not the issue.Let them talk.
Let your loss and the great lack in his full greatness descend into you and be.
Feel it through your toes.
Not even, but without end, endless.
Will be good at that.
At the moment you have become a master, come back to this answer again.And tell.
There are two types of mourning.Small mourning and great mourning. Small mourning is a well-known or family member that you don’t have such a strong bond with. Is not really a problem.
Great mourning is a partner or a child or a divorce.If you separate parents you also go through a mourning process, but this is still the least understood.
It is best to go full immediately.The feelings really undergo. I also drank a lot the first few days after my girlfriend’s death, later I heard that you can better stay sober.
You don’t attract anything others think.Selfish. I am not going to the cremation candidate, because I had no desire to carry out all sorts of courtesy tricks and to walk around there ‘ that’s him ‘, so just lifted the coffin in the car. Also participated earlier to lay the corpse and dress later. Very unessential. Didn’t feel like she was dead at all. That insight only dropped down in the next few months, where she always appeared in My dreams as a dead one to me.
You have to go all the way to the confrontation with your grief.Others say that the second year is the hardest, but those people are more in control. Behave as it should.
In The first weeks did not speak with acquaintances, but did not talk to the surface of the acquaintance and written down what had happened.So I felt that.
The first big fit weeping only with a prostitute, where I cycled early on Friday.Ten days after cremation. I was folded completely close. The only time I cried to another. Of course she did not understand, so much grief. In the years after, she became one of my best friends.
Also with another new knowledge extensively on visit that told me about her miscarriages and how she sat a time with a dead baby in her belly.The doctor said her: 芒 鈧?艗i go first with vacation, then I help je芒 鈧?p>
So all confrontations with death.Also a few trees resawn.
Then I structured the mourning more or less.Already a song that I turned a lot, that I had let it run on its cremation. A raw version of Little Wing by Jimmy Hendrix. Also listened a lot to the Mattheus Passion (she died February 20) and certain films, like 芒 鈧?虄the Corps Bride ‘ and ‘ Black Eurydice ‘, where I cried tears with spouts. Especially those movies. It is structured because I myself determined when I completely surrendered to my grief.
One year after my mother’s death I was once at a lecture about Aborigines.They turned a film about closing the mourning. After a year one went to the cemetery with everyone. One 漏 N was totally mad about grief. On each grave there is a pole and a sack was pulled over the post of the deceased. So the mourning was closed. (I joined that film of course with tears on my cheeks, closing the mourning of my mother.)
After a year and a half after her death I scattered the ashes of my girlfriend.Also not neat according to the rules, but in threatened style. This did feel very good. Where I felt at her death that I had completely failed, the ash scattering was fine. In Another anthropological study, I had just read how to drink the ashes of a deceased person and so I had eaten ashes of her too. Also my mouth burned, because the ash is actually quicklime. But it really felt very good.
After the Ashes scattering I remembered her suddenly also alive again.All the memories of before her death came back again. Her irresponsible cheerfulness.
Since then it is also ‘ long live ‘, although there are still moments of sadness.
If you live with someone, you will grow up with each other.As ivy in a tree can grow.
You have all sorts of conversations, in which you really only say.芒 鈧?艗hello here I am, where are you? 芒 鈧?Often these are some kind of small quarrels where you try to get the other one from his piece, but you already know exactly what is going to be said.
That connection, which is together, completely falls away.If the tree dies you may still see the shape of the tree in the ivy, but perhaps nothing remains of it. In that connection with another you do violence, for it is giving and taking, yet you experience that two-unity as the essence of you. That suddenly falls away. In some way you fell yourself as a printout of the other. This is how she lives in me.
Another aspect of mourning is that you feel connected to the other in your grief.So you can go all the way into your grief to not lose the bond with the other. During the mourning this is fine, but you have to close the mourning too. This is a kind of letting go and only move on, or some sort of being together with the dead, but without grief. They were also not sad when they still lived.
Love, loving, is not owning someone, letting someone free.