You’ve already taken the first step – you seem to have decided that you want it.courageous! Brave and admirable! We need more such people.
For my 27 years I have a lot of experience with trust problems – in different directions.That means, I also know that having an affair doesn’t necessarily mean that you want to get away from your partner or you don’t care. My impression is that the most important thing is to first “create order”, that is, to determine what is now in question and what is still as certain as previously thought. In any case, you need his help – without him telling you that you should be slow over it. It takes as long as it takes.
I can only definitely recommend Esther Perel – especially her second book, “The State of Affairs” – that’s certainly available in German.It explains (in my experience very coherent and convincing) how the three sides of this story feel and what can be done depending on what you want to achieve.
First of all, it’s important to clarify what he wanted – sounds doofy, but that helps you determine what he didn’t want.Also give him the chance to explain why he hasn’t burned through with her – ten years sounds like a serious second relationship with his own emotional networks. I found a picture (by Esther Perel) particularly significant here: with one he had the last missing part and completely felt like himself – but only because he and his wife had the rest of the puzzle.
Also consider what has changed about you compared to the beginning of the relationship and whether there are things underneath that you might want to change.Not because I suggest that your case is one of those where “the victim of the affair is not the victim of the relationship,” but because this is a good opportunity to check conveniences for their sustainability if you understand what I mean.
He needs to answer questions about motivations, dreams and thoughts so you can kitt that, and maybe even find things you both want to have differently and can now improve – but don’t try to ask detailed questions about actions(When to do it where, how often, how doll… you know).It just hurts and doesn’t help anyone. Something I found helpful in trying to regain trust was to do “ontrolled experiments” (that’s what I call that) in which nothing can happen to me if he breaks his word (because I can’t take that for full) because it’s not very much – just as much as you can withstand. And if it’s nothing more than “Get me off then and then.”
And don’t underestimate how much the wording is.Give him the opportunity to show you through many small, piecemeal hopefully larger case studies that he wants to earn your trust again.
It’s a weird thing with confidence – you have to earn it but you still have to get it.The two must come together. His willingness to invest this work every day will give you a growing sense of security, I’m sure. He’s going to get it done – he’s had a secret affair going on for ten years. Now he has to divert that energy if he wants to save the relationship.
I would also refrain from trying to trick him and looking for examples that you can’t trust him.If you have decided that you want to dare again, then you know that it could be that you are deceitful again – that’s how trust – but that you now want to align your emotional world with the other possibility.
Last but not least: Do things that restore your self-esteem.You have friends and things you like to do and even if it feels like that now (I know) your life consists of more than this mess – unless you let it shrink on it. Be sure to surround yourself with people who appreciate your strength and courage to dare again – and those who still tell you you would be weak because you stay with him to tell as little as possible.
I wish you the very best!