Narcissistic abuse (may) produce something unique: the irrefutable and bleak certainty that we have not fully loved ourselves.This is a bitter pill that can only be strangled down the dry throat in considerable pain – if you allow it. But let’s be quite honest – here, so among us – were these really news for us? We knew for a very long time that hot stovetops were hot; but how a hot stovetop feels, we could only experiencewhen we couldput our hand – no – our whole body on it.We knew for a long time that we didn’t love each other very much, but it was only the experience with the NPS partner that made us understand the extent of our own disapproval of ourselves.
That had sat!It wasn’t just the fist in the face – it was the double fracture of the skull, with a majority tooth loss. But this time we are not going away. The days of concealing things with ceramic crowns, desperate root treatments, bridges or partial telescopic prostheses are over.The cat is out of the bag!
She doesn’t fully love herself!
She is not to be blamed for this, because she has not learned to love herself.She wasn’t shown how to do it. She learned something completely different:
You only eat a piece of cake!What should others think of us!
Don’t be so silly!
It is eaten what comes on the table!
You’re evil, go to your room, right away!
Get out of my eyes, Miss!
If only I hadn’t bought children!Just trouble!
One more word, then…..!
It’s enough for me now!
I’m already stop!No, please not! Dad…..no
Why can’t you be like your sister?
You’ll see where you’re still landing?
Stop crying so loudly, what should the neighbors think?
You will never meet the boy again, understood!
You say you’ve fallen!
How can you be such a thankless child?
I am ashamed of you!
For 2 weeks silence.When are you talking to me again, Dad?
Maybe it was these sentences.Maybe it wasn’t just the words. Maybe it was her grandparents. She doesn’t care what or who it was , but it’s in her.Like a cancer, this imprint has spread in its cells and left metastases in every place. This crowing voice of self-destruction also gnaws in her, and she would even begin to talk to her boss or friends in this tone, regularly dismembering herself, – then she would also be freed from this burden. But something in it allows this self-abuse. She has a very unpleasant subtenant with a vehement voice of eternal blemish – and he never pays rent! This shed!
How does a person who could only be loved in conditions, who had to feel incomprehensible and insecure in the world, who became the definition of worthlessness, who came to the conviction of being bad, imagined himself to be a mirror and begins to love himself?
He does not begin this journey in front of his mirror, nor with a stack of affirmations from Luise Hay: I love you, you are adorable, you are a wonderfulperson.Try it, it’s a miserable elegy that even Gothe wouldn’t have expected. The non-loving parts of your self are quite a lot, but certainly not stupid! Anyone who has tried it will find that this exercise only exacerbates the whole misery.
A victim of early childhood abuse begins his journey to self-love pragmatically.It starts with a sheet and a pen and, for the first time, brings its limits and values to paper.For self-love does not begin with the spoken word in the form of affirmation.
Physical limits (What does personal space mean to me?What does privacy mean to me? Who do I want to shake hands with or who do I not want to be embraced by? What does nudity mean to me? How can I live with locked/open doors? What is too dense? Too loud? Too aggressive? When do I no longer feel safe?)
Mental limits (What thoughts, values and opinions do I hold?Am I easily influenced? What do I believe in? I don’t know? Do I hold on to my opinions? Can I listen to and accept someone else’s dissent? What will I no longer justify about myself? I will no longer let this become the subject of a dispute.I’m not going to let myself be lured out of the reserve any longer.)
Material limits (money, car, clothes, etc.I will only borrow under the following conditions (or no more))
Emotional limits (I will only take responsibility for my own emotions.I will no longer tolerate the apportionment of blame. I take responsibility for my behaviour and actions.I will no longer take comments from others personally. I no longer let myself be emotionally influenced.)
Sexual boundaries (What, where, when and with whom?)
Spiritual Boundaries (My faith/conviction is no longer negotiable!I alone make changes to them if I want to.)
The journey begins with very clear ideas about one’s own limits and values and with building a relationship with them.Co-addicts have never learned to be aware of their limitations or to stand up for them. They were still negotiable and freely movable by others. That must change!
Each day will offer a wealth of opportunities to practice and consolidate its boundaries.Love is to want yourself, as you are and how you are, you recognize the limits you set to protect the self in it!
Love is the other want.
Self-love is the self-wanting.