I think you’re essentially right with your analysis that I have a disturbed relationship with myself.It is the case that I have always wanted to be loved as I am, that my good and strong sides will be appreciated and loved, and that I will be helped to overcome my bad sides. Even after a long period of reflection, I can’t think of any other woman than you, where I basically felt i had found exactly that. Your assessment is probably correct that I have inclined to idealize you, which then inevitably had to lead to me being disappointed and reacting inappropriately. In the end, my escape was always an escape from me, from my inability to perceive your love in every situation.
I will still not retreat to imprints in my life, thereby evading responsibility for my life and what I have done to other people and, above all, to you.Your assessment of my person is important to me because you have played an important role in my life. I’m too old to change. But I am old and responsible enough to no longer be a burden on other people. I regret and regret that 30 years ago I did not begin to be put on a path that helps me overcome the bad sides in me, which allows me to meet people who love me unreservedly, to let me fall with and with them. Unfortunately, the traumas of my childhood live in me, and I wish I had overcome them many years ago. My parents made no mistakes. They have committed crimes against an innocent child. I have so many times wanted someone to hear or perceive the abuse and save the martyred child’s soul. On [edited 198[edited]I physically broke up from the torture environment. Unfortunately, however, I have failed to cleanse my soul, to learn techniques that allow me to deal with the marks of martyrs on my soul in such a way that I do not put a burden on myself and people who are loving me. I will not forgive myself for burdening and tormenting you with it.
Even if my parents were still alive, I would refuse any contact with them.This has nothing to do with stubbornness. It has always been exclusively self-protection. The crimes they committed against me not only had terrible consequences for me, they also had an indirect influence on you. I cannot and will not blame them for the latter. The responsibility for this lay solely with me. But I will never forgive them for having managed to deprive me of the most important ability that a person can have: to love unbiased, not to be afraid of affection and love.
I said the other day that I don’t hate anyone.That was wrong: I hate my parents. I hate them for letting me come into the world. I hate them for everything they’ve done to me, that they’ve sent me into life as a monster. I hate them for making it so difficult or even impossible for me to live a life of happiness, to make other people happy. I wish I had learned not to always stand in the way of my private life, not to always flee from myself. I wish I had learned to always deal with you in the way you deserve not to always fail on myself and bring great misfortune upon you.
So I am now on the run from life again, but I have the hope to find my peace somewhere.As much as your life story touches and pains me, I envy you for the moment you have repeatedly called second chance. A situation that is a serious break and allows for a different life. A glance at my birth certificate tells me that it is too late to do so.
I fervently hope that I was the last rotten tooth in your life.Forgive me!