I have experienced this myself for decades and i actually experience it to this day.
My mother is a malignant narcissist and has taken every human being from an early age and tried to influence me.She has turned me from victim to perpetrator. made sure that people see me as someone I’m not… and this for years.. in the most painstaking manipulation she has exercised in a perfection that you cannot believe when you are an unneeded person from a positive-naive and always loving environment.
She has my siblings. her entire family… and finally also my father and his family. as well as friends and acquaintances. my friends and acquaintances.. even some of my teachers expressed their view of me.
Only the psychiatrist,…
which she went in, hoping that she too will be able to manipulate him so that she can prove to me and everyone else, black and white, that I am the problem
… couldn’t manipulate her and my best friend and her mother couldn’t.
Sometimes as a small sample of the art of manipulation of a narcissist:
When I was 14, my mother finally managed to convince my father that I was probably something like the birth of hell .. simply nothing helps, that it would be necessary for me to finally see this and that he finally has to beat me together.He drank courage on .. throw me on the bed.. sat on me.. his knees on my arms so that I cannot defend myself. And then with my fists in my face until I just heard her say to him, “Now it’s enough. Now she’s had enough.’ Then another blow to my head and the next thing I remember is waking up on the floor next to my bed. It was now 5 a.m. My head roared. pulsating and act horribly hurt… in the mirror a strange monster looked at me. The white in my eyes was red and everything was swollen.
The teachers at the school the next day wanted me to go to the KH.My then-boyfriend took me there. (My mother didn’t want me to go to school, of course, but I didn’t do her any favors.)
My actually very social, gentle and very understanding class teacher stopped to me at first.We were on the phone every day when I was at the KKH. One day I called her. she was suddenly very reserved and I asked her what was going on. Suddenly she said, “I’m sorry, XY .. but I don’t think it’s a good idea anymore that we make phone calls. At some point, even parents can no longer help themselves. ‘ I couldn’t believe it. I felt powerless and just thought.. if she has made it with this person. then she makes it with everyone. I just said, “You talked to my mom, didn’t you?” And when she started talking and I told her, “Yes….” Heard.. I put on.
I couldn’t believe it .. I wondered what to tell me that I would no longer believe in: “That a child is an innocent being. that never only 1 is to blame…???” .. and such things.To this day, people are always so embarrassed when I ask them what she has told them. Unfortunately, my best friend’s mother didn’t let my mother talk when she tried her in the past. otherwise I would know how she always got it.
And she made it with the whole family.My sister once said to me that she saw me not being allowed to treat my mother. I am the oldest.
My two siblings are my mother’s favorite and are all she expected of them.They always say what they want to hear. never criticize them and were just afraid to end like me. this includes, among other things, that they must abhor me.
My mother banishes everyone from her life who dares to question her.But this is part of the process of developing a child to find one’s own identity. therefore, the partner of a narcissistic parent must be all the more reflective, benevolent and conscious .. otherwise the narcissistic parent could psychologically destroy the child. In my eyes, someone like my mother should never have had children.
(But she had the horror par excellence in her parents’ house and could only become so.She thinks she is.. in contrast to YOUR parents the enlightenment and change par excellence .. and from their point of view, that is probably true. )
This is often the drama: parents who are themselves highly traumatized have changed a lot in YOUR eyes .. make it in their eyes quite different and MUCH better than their own parents .. and for this reason they often cannot understand, because they have done everything sooo differently, that their own child does not develop as they thought it would.
For this reason, they have no view of the suffering of their own child.They do everything so differently than they experienced it. To do this, one must also worry that everyone is doing what they perceive as the greatest shortcoming in their own upbringing. That’s the focus. As a result, others are also involved. or perhaps more important things… MAY neglected. These things will perceive one’s own child as unsatisfied needs and may suffer from them.
My parents definitely perceived the most as a deficiency that they had so little as post-war children, and their own parents were very driven by what they were portraying outside.That’s what my parents focused on. MONEY and prestige.
I complained of emotion. real love .. Respect.. Expression of the same things .. Sincerity.. Authenticity.. Unconditionality .. stand up for each other.. completely unimportant to me was all material .. that has meant a shit to me. but was the most important thing for my parents and I disrespected this (unintentionally) sooo very much… all their efforts.
Which you must not forget as a parent. your own children are not small mini-me’s… they are independent little people, of which one should be proud like Bolle, when they develop into themselves and an independent thinking.You must not have expectations of how the child should be. (However, one can and should trust in one’s child faith and everything.)
The child can find all the shit that is important to me .. it can and may question everything about me and my life and may feel it as total crap.YOUR CHILDREN ALWAYS LOVE YOU. If one thing is certain in this world and that is at the same time the greatest responsibility: your children will ALWAYS love you unconditionally. unfortunately no matter how bad you are to them. The saying: The mother is God in the eyes of a child could not be truer. Be sincere.. loves unconditionally .. Don’t take it badly. when the sentence falls: “I hate you.” Even a child who turns away from his parents at some point and pretends to hate them deeply loves his parents. And wish nothing more than that it would not be so .. and on the contrary, everything would be good. Parents should see what led to it.
And NEVER is a child there to satisfy the emotional needs of the adult. To prove to you that you love it.Who doubts the love of his child .. worrying about whether your own child loves you: PLEASE!!! Don’t (yet) have children.
Be honest with you and your children. You always notice EVERYTHING.You can’t sell a u to a child for an I. A mother who strives to show all love to her child. to shower it with it.. but does not really feel this love in its innermost .. the child WHITE.. FEEL it.
And I am convinced of that. what we truly think of our children in our deepest depths. that is where they will develop.
Do you show a benevolent behavior to the outside. But in THE INNERSTEN, you think, ‘You can’t climb the tree.’ Your child will feel it. no matter what you say to him after OUTSIDE. and will not make it .. or depending on the character, it will make a special effort to prove it to you and get your recognition. To get you to ‘feel’. from there, however, the 1st flap for a drama has already fallen.
The reality is not outside. it lies inside. the exterior is only the projection of our interior.
If you truly think in the deepest inside, your child is something very special and becomes something special. then exactly that will happen .. at any level and kind of art.
Just don’t expect your children to see things the way you do.Do not educate them to you, but give help to self-help on the journey of their lives to themselves. no matter what this self looks like .. the only important thing is that it is real. because only in this way can it be happy. A child should be allowed to be anything. as long as it was created by itself.
And get help when you realize it’s down to your sincerity and truthfulness in your love for your child … look at your childish wounds .. accept them and at the same time know that they also make you perfect.If you accept your mistakes your children will accept them and can live with them. The alleged inability to love always has the reason that one does not love oneself.
Serenity and the attitude to be allowed to have mistakes … no.. Mistakes are self-evident. not worth mentioning.. because it is so natural to be full of mistakes and you are adorable .. exactly for what you are.
in any case.. that was important to me. to make a very small mini contribution to prevent such tragedies as mine.