I’ve been more or less unbroken in relationships since my 18th.I am now 42 and for the first time conscious and ‘ long ‘ single. One and a half years now. I felt I needed it and it seemed to me healthy to be a while on myself and to be satisfied with my own company. I see it as a sort of research phase.
And yes, I find it quite difficult.Also because I find a pattern to break my happiness outside of myself. But it is also good. I feel more freedom and how confronting my emotions sometimes are, I try to deal with it.
Now it was so that my last relationship was really terrible.I went all the way to the bottom, so it felt like I couldn’t break the relationship. Radical. I have never seen or spoken to him again, and I do not want to. From that moment on I wanted to keep all men at a distance. And use this time now to find out what I really want and what feels good to ME. For too long I have not paid attention to this, with all the unpleasant consequences that it entails.
I feel pain sometimes, when I see happy couples.Doing things together and sharing, the power you can feel in being together. I am then confronted with the fact that I have never really been able to experience that happiness. There is quite a social pressure on people to have a relationship. Then you obviously only succeeded. And that while there are ever more singles. You often get the impression that you are ‘ unsuccessful ‘ or that something must be wrong with you if you don’t have a relationship. I do not agree with that, but that sometimes affects me. Probably because I’m afraid that ‘ they ‘ might be right.
My relationships have not been easy.And I see the cause though. Traumatized early and a shortage of love, drove me into the wrong arms. That’s extra painful, if you’re longing for something you’ve never been allowed to receive. This is how the wound is only re-opened. But that is why I see all the more that I must first see my own lack, before I can deal with a ‘ healthy ‘ relationship at all.
For the moment I have no desire at all, despite the sometimes melancholy feelings and self-doubt.I know deep inside that it is good for me to be alone for a while.
This is of course a personal story and it will be different for everyone.But I think it is very good to be on yourself after a (long term) relationship. But all too many people take refuge directly in new contacts. I too did that, but I was never happy about that. It was a flight of myself and my loneliness. And there I did not just myself, but also others shortage.
Not the same as before.Also because I’m not coming from him. Because together we have another house, and I have my money in the house, and so I can not really go further with my life.
Also, all the nasty things he did behind me back to what I found out should I still process.
I’ve always been very very good at annoying things and letting x relationships loose.Now I need more drive for it. But I think my money is the biggest obstacle in this.
The last time I’ve been with him has been longer than a year.And I now notice for the first time now and then that sometimes I find it a little exciting to be able to come back to something or someone new. To have another and new life. But I think that having a 10 year old daughter makes it a bit different. Then you have responsibility. Then you can’t just do what you think you want. Otherwise I had taken my bags for a long time and I lived somewhere completely different. Or I continued to pull around for unlimited time.
It’s like whether you’re going to live from one life to another.
Merry again, and who knows, someone will come to suit you.
How that is lies I think partly about the relationship.For me, it was a conscious choice that went along with the decision not to start a relationship again.
After a lot of self-reflection, my conclusion is that I am beet for a relationship that complies with Western standards.Reflecting has brought me where I am BU, I know what I want and don’t want and am honest about it, I have faith in myself and feel confident. I give to myself and that feels fine. That has given me genpower
You don’t go apart when it all goes fine.So it will be sucks here, and that’s going to break from a week to years of fighting for kids. But freedom, after all this time. Is Great. Love it.
Make my own money on it.
My hobbies again.